how well do you know me?

1. What are the two movies I have seen more than any other movies? Bonus: Why?

2. What is the movie that I made everyone watch with me after I taped it off of AMC (back when they ran movies without commercial interruptions)?

3. Why do I have so many houseplants?

4. What was my favorite movie at the beginning of my frosh year of college, and why?

5. Why don't I like Year Zero?

6. How many paper shredders have I owned in the last 2 years?

7. Which of Anne Rice's vampire novels have I _not_ read?

wet paint - do not touch

In honor of my 35th year of life.

cleaning house

Is anyone interested in the following books? They're wasting space at my house, and they're valueless on Amazon.

1. Lavender: Practical Inspirations for Natural Gifts, Country Crafts & Decorative Displays - Tessa Evelgh, 1996, Lorenz Books, Hardcover.
2. The New Candle Book: Inspirational Ideas for Displaying, Using & Making Candles - Gloria Nicol, 1996, Lorenz Books, Hardcover.
3. The Complete Soapmaker: Tips, Techniques & Recipes fpr Luxurious Handmade Soaps - Norma Coney, 1996, Sterling/Lark, Hardcover.
4. Herbal Remedies: An Introduction to Herbs & Their Theraputic Uses (Naturally Better Series) - Tamara Kircher & Penny Lowery, 1996, Macmillan, Hardcover.
5. aveda pure essences: using flowers and plants to achieve a sense of well-being, circa 1993 0r 1994, soft-cover guide for retailers, very informative about essential oils in general.

Seriously, if anyone wants them, lemme know, otherwise I'm leaving them on the table in the hallway, and who knows what sort of strange neighbors I might have reading them.

(Someone left a huge stack of supernatural romance novels on that table, for criminy's sake - which I have, of course, been working my way through ever since.)

online research is so interesting

Why do 16 of the 17 group of synonym listings for shellac on thesaurus.com seem to involve beating the crap out of someone?

The first thing I think of when I hear “shellac” is the resinous substance created from the dissolution of lac into a solvent of some sort, which is then used to seal wooden furniture and the like. Not thrashing someone.

work conversations.

"So... do you go by Nathanial,

*shrug*

"or Nathan,

*shrug*

"or Nate,

*shrug*

"or Nat?"

"You can call me whatever."

*nod*


"..."

"..."

"Can I call you Boing-Boing McCoy?"

"No, please don't call me Boing-Boing McCoy."

"Are you sure?"

"Please don't call me Boing-Boing McCoy."

"Because, you know, you kinda look like a Boing-Boing McCoy."

*vehement headshake*

"But, whatever..."

*nod*

"I guess Nathanial is fine, too."

"Okay."

more reasons to love redbox.

She's the Man.

Dude, I hate to admit it, but with the exception of Lovewrecked, I love Amanda Bynes in quirky romantic, coming of age comedies.

Plus, it's a variation of Twelfth Night, my favorite Shakespearean gift to the world.

My fave Twelfth Night? The one with Imogen Stubbs, Tony Stephens, Ben Kingsley, & Helena Bonham Carter.

Mmmm. Toby Stephens as Duke Orsino.

Yummy-licious.

And for my viewing pleasure now? Eragon.

Guiltless movies at $1.06 a pop.

Less than a pop, even... a Pepsi is like $1.29 if you're lucky!

either way, i'll still be crying...

So I rented The Lake House from redbox.

It's exactly the kind of movie that I would certainly never pay $3.99 to rent, and would probably catch for "free" on HBO, if I still had a subscription. But for $1.06 (including tax), I'm game.

During the opening credits, I noted that it was based on a Korean film called Il Mare.

And I was enjoying the movie, it being a self-indulgent, tear-inducing chick-flick.

But then as the movie progressed, I realized that I wasn't sure if this was going to be a City of Angels, or a Wings of Desire.

In Wings of Desire, an angel discovers a lovely trapeze artist, literally falls, sells his gear, finds her, and lives happily ever after.

In City of Angels, an angel stalks an unhappy female surgeon, falls, gets mugged, finds her after many trials and tribulations, loves her for one night, watches her die horribly in a bike v. logging truck accident, and then lives happily never after as a mortal who has tasted love for one brief moment.

To be honest, it's really all just a matter of how relatively Hollywood-ized and tainted the story becomes in the telling.

And despite either eventuality, I still ended up snuffling and weeping at the end.

Now, I'm going to go watch Failure to Launch, also a $1.06 pick.

sounds

overheard

Onegin the movie?

At least I don't understand opera, or I'd probably judge that, too.

spoken

Things are going so well, I don't even clean my house anymore.

Well, I don't clean my house, either.

Yeah, but you don't have a maid.

driven mad

*chirp* *whirr* *chirp* *whirr*

Shut up! Shut up!

*chirp* *whirr* *chirp* *whirr*

One of you bitches better find that thing and kill it...

*chirp* *whirr* *chirp* *whirr*

... because I am so not living with two crickets.

dramarama at the workplacery

Okay, so I just got off the phone with my Assistant, who is 23, and tender-hearted, and a little weird, because the 40-somethings that work in the salon were bullying her.

Which means they were being bitchy, and she needs to grow a pair.

I am sympathetic to everyone's situation: you've got an insecure child trying to lead a team of stubborn mules.

They kick, they bite, they bray.

They're mules.

And you've got an experienced, opinionated, set-in-their-ways team of mules being led by a child who is afraid of them.

She's practically ready to quit because she's upset that they ignore her and bitch about her.

After listening to her vent for a while, I actually said to her, "When I was your age..." which made me feel really old. But it's true, at 23 I was a whole different person who took everything personally and cried a lot, too.

So, I shared a few experiences that I've had, and told her that at some point, I realized that I can't live in fear of other people, nor can I let their issues fuck with my issues, or worse, become my issues.

And I told her that she needs to learn how to do that, too. But I also told her that I kind of hope that she'll live the kind of life and have the experiences in her life where she'll never have to be hard and not care enough to let things bother her that deeply. I wish that sort of life for everyone.

It's not realistic, but it made her feel better. And I think she realizes that I am on her side, too. Because I'm not going to abandon her or the salon just because some other stylists who should know better than to act that petty and immature are acting bitchy or mean. Seriously, though, they're not going to run me out of there -- if I leave, it's on my own terms and for my own reasons.

Dude, I'm giving sage, confidence-building advice to early twenty-somethings. That's fucked up.

But also kind of cool.

I might be goofy and immature, but I'm also very sensical when I want to be, I've had a lot of shitty experiences in my life that I've learned from, and I've adopted and adapted the motivational teachings of a couple of industry leaders that help put my career life in perspective, and hopefully help others to order their lives a bit.

And good God, I can't even really call it peer-counseling, either, because I'm not really the kind of person who can be her peer.

Which can only mean... I'm a mentor.

drawbacks

I like my job. I really do. But I do not really like children coming into my job.

Perhaps peculiar to that particular neighborhood, everyone that frequents the salon and brings children with them, has like 4 kids, all pretty closely ranged in age from babe-in-arms to about 4th grade. And if they don't have 4 kids of their own, they come in with someone else that has the appropriate amount of children to round the group out to 4 children.

Case in point, we had two women bring their herd of children into the salon earlier today.

One woman had 3, the other woman had 1, and the woman with more children wanted both of her boys to get cuts.

She was told it would be at least 30 minutes, so they put the names in and left.

Ten minutes later, they all returned to the salon and sat down. Well, the adults sad down. The children instead started to whoop and holler and run around like little crazy people, clearly not using their indoor voices, and the mothers responded by increasing the volume of their conversation, as the decibel level of the children rose accordingly.

No chiding, no shushing, no dirty looks. No, "Sit down over here and stop pulling your sister's hair!" No grabbing things out of the children's hands and putting them back on the shelves where they belonged.

No nothin'.

A couple of minutes later, the more apparently fertile of the pair inquired as to whether the wait would be 20 minutes or not, as she could not decide if they should leave and come back, or just stay inside until there was time for the kids to get cuts.

All I really wanted to say, "Well, it'd be a lot quieter in here if you left."

But I didn't.

music update:

Theory Anesthetic.

Mandy not only heads up the group, but she's also my client, so you know her hair rocks.

Today, she gave me a copy of the new cd, but unfortunately all cd-playing devices in my household recognize it only as a blank disc.

At least you and I can listen to them here.

My fave is Church of Nothing.

thank the lord for small miracles...

It's about damned time, for criminy's sake!

"NOW AVAILABLE! Neuticles UltraPLUS with Epididymis

"Introducing a new level of testicular implantation for previously neutered, monorchid or cryptorchid pets.
"Neuticles UltraPLUS^® with ScarRetard features not only the testes but the Cauda Epididymis, Ductus Deferens, Pampiniform Plexus and Caput Epididymis, which restores the pet to anatomical preciseness (my emphasis). Two suture tabs located at the end of the Pampinform Plexus, and midway on the testes, anchor the implant to assure optimum realism.

"Eight sizes and custom sizing for any pet now available.

"Click Here for details and pricing."

And yes, I was actually aware of what the epididymus was prior to this: when irritated by moronic men, I used to graciously offer to show them their epididymii if they didn't stop bothering me.

Then I was generally forced to explain exactly what the epididymus was and where it was located, often in great, achingly explicit detail.

Which usually left me devoid of unwanted male companionship.

(I personally find it far more effective than threatening to tear off someone's limb and beat that someone to death with it.)

some things I believe...

1. Vera Bradley bags are hideously ugly.
   
   They look like those particular sort of carryalls in which old biddy spinsters cart their knitting around.
   
   
2. Evan Farmer is hot.
   
   
3. So is Colin Ferguson.
   
   
4. Sunbelle raspberries from Chile taste a lot better than Driscoll's from Mexico.
   
   
5. These are the fucking coolest flip-flops ever made. (They have the grommets on the inside like the shoes do, and they even have the ALL*STAR tag on the back heel. Righteous!)
   
   
6. My Black & Decker digital convection toaster oven is the shiz-nit.
   
   I love baking now that doing it it doesn't heat the entire apartment up to like 100-degrees Fahrenheit.
   
   
7. Anjou pears are infinitely superior to bartlett pears when making brie and pear toast. Bosc will also do in a pinch.
   
   
8. My job?
   
   Same ol' pettiness, whining and bitchiness, different salon.
   
   And yet, I still like it.
   
   
9. I got called Miss Martha today because I think the customer service person on the telephone couldn't pronounce my mom's not-particularly-difficult-to-pronounce Czech last name.
   
   I guess if you ax folx quessions fo' a livin', z pernounced as zh migh juss be a l'il tuff.
   
   
10. It's worth visiting two different nail places to get a super fantastic pedicure and an equally awesome set of nails done, if you can't get both at the same place.
    

fuzzy wuzzy scaley cute

Three thoughts:

1. It's amazing which side you root for, depending on what sort of documentary you're watching.

If it's one sort, you're rooting for the cute little Thompson's gazelles to escape the toothy maws of vicious predators.

And if it's another, you're desperately hoping that the inexperienced cheetah mother can catch thoses same wily gazelles, so that she can feed her seven hungry little fluff balls of kitteny cuteness.

You know, despite knowing that all seven could never successfully make it to adulthood.

But they're so damned cute.

2. Female green anacondas can shave as many as 100 days off of their pregnancy by basking in the sun.

If only that worked for everyone.

Sure, skin cancer would be at an all-time high, but maternity wardrobes would be cut in half.

3. And... I love love love Adrian, the Quiznos coyote.

In case you aren't aware, Tuesday, a coyote walked into a downtown Loop Quiznos through the propped-open front door, wandered around inside for a minute, then took a 40 minute siesta inside the open drink cooler, before being captured and hauled away by animal control.

Then Wednesday, after a night in the pokey, and with a clean bill of health, Adrian was released back into the wild.

If you can really call a wooded area in Barrington, Illinois, near a horse barn and two tennis court 'the wild.'

In depth info here:

http://cbs2.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_094024554.html

http://www.abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=local&id=5179979

http://www.abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=local&id=5184045

damned censors.

Clearblue has changed the voice-over on the commercial to now say the following:

"Clearblue Digital Pregnancy Test, the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever... *clears throat*...you know."

I am sorely disappointed.

Indeed.

the return of chemo sorbie gal. now, if only jesus man was to be found...

So, I said to C., "Hey, you want to cut my hair. Right? Right?"

And she said she would.

Then, I said to C., "I need like an inch cut off. Here, (holds up bangs) see the difference in length between there and the top? That's like how much I want off all over. And don't worry, it's almost impossible to make it too short. Oh, and I like my ears cut out. And make sure the neckline isn't all wispy because I hate that."

She took it all under advisement, and proceeded to give me the haircut I asked for, except it was still too long in back.

So she cut more back there.

And then she worked around the sides.

And then the top.

And the front.

And then around the crown some more.

Two thoughts on the haircut:

1. Wow, I didn't know my cowlick could stick out like that. I guess it's good that I have some really sticky-ass hair goo to hold it down.
2. I am now awaiting the inevitable comparisons to Annie Lennox in that one video -- not only because it's flaming red-orange, but mostly because it's almost that short.
   

my new job

...is going to take some time to settle in to position.

There hasn't been any effective leadership in the salon for over 6 months, so everything's gone to hell in a handbasket.

Paperwork hasn't been done properly since God only know's when, the place is filthy, and whoever's been doing the ordering is a nutjob.

We've got like 6 bottles of color remover (for wiping off excess color from the skin, post-coloring), two of which just came in yesterday, but we have less than half a bottle of cleaner, and got none in the order, because none were ordered.

I've been purging paperwork stuff from like 2001 - 2005, that easily could have been chucked in like 2002 - 2006.

And I've been going through overstocked products and have winnowed most of them down to the essentials.

I have so incredibly much more to do, though.

Months worth of more.

But that is another thing for another day.

On the cutting front, since I stopped working for Those Bastards (the new official name for the place I used to work before now), and started at Workplacery, I have had 8 clients come in to get their hair done -- 5 of them yesterday alone, and a few more on the books in the near future. I have also done a lot of other people, several of which seem inclined to return to me in the future.

And today I discovered that the produce selection at the Jewel a block away from Workplacery is a hell of a lot better than at the one by my house.

Plus, there may be no Starbucks or Caribou Coffee nearby, but I've got Avanti across the street, and Julius Meinl down the block. Both of which offer delicious beverages and reasonably-priced foodstuffs. Especially J.M.

maximum random-ocity.

01. I got the job for real -- Salon Team Leader, here we go! (I start Tuesday.)

02. I just found a way to get some cheaper prescriptive drugs now that I'm not heavily benefited through my old job. For like $40/3 months for two medications. Woot.

03. New email that made me laugh:

"Dear Amazon.com Customer,

"Based on your previous purchases in Women's Apparel, we thought you might be interested in slipping on a new pair of ballet flats. Shop over 350 styles from 80 top brands,including Charles David, Steve Madden, BCBGirls, Report, and more at Amazon.com."

Ironically, the only piece of apparel I have ever purchased from Amazon.com was a unisex pair of flannel black watch plaid pajama bottoms.

How that makes me an apparent ballet flat wearer, I'm not sure.

I in fact, I am the opposite of a ballet flat wearer -- I'm so damned short that most of my shoes have like a 2" heel on them, and I like a good cushy insole.

04. The chick they're trying to replace me with at the old job spent 40 minutes on the phone with me today, getting my perspective on about everyone and everything at the place.

And since I don't work there anymore, I was candid and frank.

And a little gossipy.

Who knows now if she'll take it -- she works at a different store as a stylist and seems very happy there, but they're pressuring her to take this position. I told her if worse comes to worse, she can always step down and go back to her old salon.

And I did warn her that I'll be actively recruiting most of the stylists over to my new job. Which she understands.

05. There are so many things wrong about the CD, "Sunday School Jamz!" that I just can't put my finger on all of them.

06. Best random spam I've received in a while:

"If you are ready to sell your soul to the Devil for just one erection, relax and get Viagra Pro for better results.

"Viagra Pro will give you more horse powers than there is in a good Porsche."

07. New favorite advertising campaign:

Clearblue Digital Pregnancy Test, "the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on."

08. I'm finding it extremely frustrating to try and track down all of the clients I didn't get numbers for before I left the Old Job. Especially when I only know a last name, and there's like 96 of them in the city (Wife-client has different last name than Husband-bill payer), or they're teenagers, and I don't know their parent's names.

09. I'm now a zombie girl. I modeled in exchange for t-shirts, and now am up on my friend Shawn's site.

10. Oh, and did I forget to mention that my new dress code allows me to wear pretty much whatever I want to work, as long as it isn't whorish or denim?

And that my new boss lady said I can wear skull-prints and Bettie Page t-shirts at will?

And that she mentioned that there's already a girl that works there that is all goth-ish 'n stuff, so she thinks that the skulls will fit right on in?

hallelujah

Well, the parties settled this morning, so I got sprung from jury duty, and then I had the phone interview afterwards with the person who decides whether or not I would be right for the job.

Acccord to her, if my references fly, I'm in.

And considering that my references already work for her, and they tried to recruit me a few weeks ago, I would imagine that they're going to have nice things to say. And then I'll have a job.

Yayme.

this week

Okay, so I quit my job on Friday without an exit strategy.

I've never left anything without an exit strategy -- at a concert, I've already got an escape route planned out -- and I am all discombobulated now.

Tuesday, I went in to collect the remainder of my things, and I was told that the person who had complained about me so many times had actually said to the acting store manager that, "I never intended to get anyone fired or make them quit their job."

Too little, too late, sister.

Let's see. If every single time someone says something you don't like, and you run to store management and complain about it enough, it will probably eventually have some sort of negative consequences for the person who has been the source of your complaint. I mean, honestly, what is the intent when you register a complaint?

Wednesday, I had an excellent interview with a company for a salon leadership position, and I am expecting to hear from the district manager on Friday, hopefully with the intent to start me on Monday or Tuesday. Because I rock.

And then today, I had my very first jury duty experience. Where I was, of course, immediately picked to be on the jury of a civil trial that will probably drag out until Wednesday or Thursday of next week.

Something happened to someone, and now that person is suing someone else because of the thing that happened.

Truthfully, I could give a shit either way when it comes to the case, which I cannot discuss with y'all. I'm fully intending to make a sincere attempt to stay awake the whole time, but will likely be mostly bitter and resentful because I am self-involved, and will be preoccupied by my unemployment and deplorable financial status, and how my jury duty is preventing me from the potential to start a new job.

Jeez, if I have 39 days of jury duty, I might actually be able to swing rent!

And I'm also forced to pay out of pocket for medical insurance, at least for the time being, because I need medical coverage. *sigh*

But for now, I will be chilling at the Daley Center from 9-5pm weekdays. Word.

the letter i just sent out to my clients:

An Important Message:

Hi,

Five hours ago, I got the news that I was being demoted from manager to stylist (with a 43% paycut) and sent to the Clybourn STORE/SALON for "unprofessional behavior, disruptive/inappropriate conduct, and for the use of profanity."
(Amongst my transgressions, I said, "If you didn't know me, and I shopped here, you'd totally think I was a bitch," while on the sales floor, to a manager, and in front of a sales associate. Yes, I am suitably ashamed.)

So, I gave them my resignation.

As of yet, I do not have a salon nailed down. It's weird being unemployed -- I've never left one job without having another one lined up.

I do have job prospects, so I will be gainfully employed somewhere wonderful by the time you need your hair done again.

Hope to see you soon,

pixie

new music

I heartily suggest that y'all go visit http://www.myspace.com/christypaige, because I know stuff that you don't*, and I definitely know that she's fantastic.

I saw/heard her busking on the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica while I was on vacation, and she rocked my world.

And if you're not a total pussy, she'll blow your socks off.

----------
*I told the GM that she was having a boy, and even after an ultrasound diagnosis to the contrary, I still insisted it was a boy.

4 ultrasounds later, they painted the nursery pink, decorated it with girly flowers and butterflies, and filled the closet with frilly pastel frippery.

They only registered for pink flowery girly stuff, and I believe they got everything on their registry.

Bibs, bottles, nuks, blankets, etc.

All super-duper girly.

And, their newborn son's name is Jack.

vacation, day one...

1. Slept until early afternoon.
   
2. Played with Posey for a while.
   
3. Got up.
4. Dressed.
5. Abluted slightly.
6. Ate sunflower seeds.
7. Watched Orange County.
8. Thought about going to the movies.
   
9. Watched Scrubs.
10. Took out the garbage.
11. Chased Cricket back into the apartment, and then petted her against her will.
    
12. Drank a gingerale with a twist of lime.
13. Watched The Stuart Davis Show, eps 6, 1 & 2, on You Tube.
14. Drank another gingerale.
15. Read email.
16. Watched eps 3, 4 & 5.
17. Purchased and downloaded 6 songs by Junkie XL from iTunes.
18. Nachos for dinner.
19. Random television viewing.
20. Adult Swim viewing.
21. More sunflower seeds.
22. More gingerale.
23. JunkBBS check-in.
24. Bedtime.

pennies from heaven

I am one of those people that always picks up change from the ground. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, whatever. Any free money is good money to me, and it all spends the same.

One of my regular statements is, "Hey, free (coin)... mine!"

The other day, when I got the mail, I just threw it all in my bag.

Today, before work, I noticed all the envelopes in my bag and decided to read the mail.

A bill, an advertisement, and something that looked like a check.

Upon opening the envelope, I found a letter inside from Stoll Stoll Berne Lokting & Shlachter, informing me that the Class action lawsuit "Ruslan Razilov, et al. v. Nationwide, et al." had gone to settlement, and that my pro rata share of the settlement, less attorney fees, expenses, and the costs of claims administration, was attached to the letter in the form of a check made out to me.

A check for $207.24, mind you.

I get crap in the mail every once in a while, informing me that if I don't want to be part of some class action suit or another, I need to let them know, otherwise just do nothing and reap potential benefits later.

Until now, I've only gotten a coupon for free contact lens solution, a $15 voucher for Sears, and a Jabra earpiece for my cell phone.

Finally, my inaction really pays for itself.

Or at least pays for my NCA membership renewal, and a doctor's bill for blood work to definitively determine that I do not have a blood disorder or a disease, but instead am not only clumsy, but bruise very easily and very often. (It's not diabetes, anemia, or anything like that -- it's just that I'm just a delicate flower. Featuring easily-crushed petals and stems and leaves and other floral-y bits.)

And then after work today, I got a letter in the mail from America's Expo for Skin Care & Spa Chicago, asking me to fill out a brief survey and then return it to them in the provided, postage-paid enveloped.

A letter with a dollar bill tacked to the bottom of the letter, and a post-script stating, "The attached, while not intended as compensation for your time, is a small token of our appreciation for your prompt participation."

(Dude, that totally kicks the free nickel that came in the Unicef fundraising missive a couple of weeks ago's ass. Because, you know, maybe if Unicef didn't send out thousands of nickels to strangers, and instead used said nickels to pay for medicine and supplies for the displaced, disenfranchised, and the damned, they wouldn't need to ask me for my money.)

and then...

Wham!

Just like that, and thanks to a case of shingles, I'm back on the invite list.

damn the seventh wheel.

I did have plans for NYE.

Exciting, fun, looked-forward-to plans that were made last NYE.

But the logistics of the evening changed, and my dumb ass got bumped from the festivities.

Now I have no plans for NYE.

Anyone want to go see a movie or something?

merry christmas, bitches.

Love,
Cricket (et. al.)

that with which i have been given during this season of good will towards men and similar ilk....

1. a $25 gift card to Caribou Coffee, from T.B., a client.
2. a $10 gift card to Starbucks, from R.N., a client.
3. a card + cash, from J.U., a client.
4. cash, from S.S., a client.
5. a subscription to Games Magazine, from Tifling.
6. a tin of butter cookies, from my landlord.
   
7. a hardcover copy of Diablo Cody's Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper, from Matty.
8. a slice of lemon-poppyseed bread + a $20 gift card to Caribou Coffee, from B.F., a client.
9. a card + cash, from G.J., a client.
10. a membership to Western Colorado Congress, from my cousin in Colorado.
11. delicious Ouray-made truffles, from my cousin in Colorado and her family.
12. lots of Burt's Bees hand and foot lovin' gear, again courtesy of the Colorado cousin 'n family.
    
13. a $10 gift card to Caribou Coffee in a cute little stocking, from S., my ASM.
14. a small gift bag of Hershey candies, from H., my GM.
15. a card + cash, from Pappy.
16. a Black & Decker Scumbuster, from the 'rents.
17. a bag of meltaway mint, from Santa.
18. a tin of chocolate hazelnut pirouettes, from Santa.
19. Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest on DVD, from Short-Round.
20. Sarah McLachlan's Wintersong CD, from Princess Stinkerbell.
21. a copy of Robert Sabuda's pop-up book, Encylopedia Prehistorica Dinosaurs, from Daddy 'n Short-Round.
22. a pretty bead necklace made in Ouray, from Mom.
23. a Tinker Bell magnet set, from Princess Stinkerbell.
24. a card + cash, from Mom.
25. Graffiti Zoo Pink Flamingos (candy), from Mom & Short-Round.
    
26. the first season of 21 Jump Street on DVD, from Mom.
27. a cute pink jewelry bag with pink bead accents, from my cousins in California.
    

hopefully more to follow...

(I have also received over 50% return of holiday cards, which is impressive to me.)

and now i can't give the shit away...

Last week, I decided to take responsibility at work for making sure that three boxes of stuff was donated to a women's shelter.

None of the damned shelters will get back to me, so the boxes are still sitting in the stock room.

Today after work, I stopped in at Starbucks to drop off Toys for Tots.

Only to discover that they no longer collect for the charity.

Then, on the way into the grocery store, I decided to put a couple of bucks into the Salvation Army bucket when I left the store.

And as I was exiting the store, cash in hand, I realized that no annoying bells were being rung, and no bright red bucket was to be seen.

what i want to know is...

Which bitch outed me to the local charities?

I happily donated to Felines, Inc. because that's where I got my beloved little Posey-kins, but now I've got the Night Ministry, PAWS Chicago (Pets Are Worth Saving), The Chicago Fund on Aging & Disability/Meals on Wheels Chicago, and Father Scott Donahue from Mercy Home for Boys & Girls all beseeching, begging, or otherwise hitting me up for charitable donations to help the kitties/puppies/homeless/aged/infirmed/abandoned/abused in my area.

I can ignore large-scale national organizations like Easter Seals and Amnesty International with no problem, but when I've got a heartbreaking letter from the president of a local charity telling me that his shelter is overflowing with abused and abandoned children, it's got a waiting list a mile long, and that my $35 could "make a real difference in a hurting child's life," I feel like a total fuck-o for not whipping out my checkbook.

And what about the poor, abandoned, homeless baby animals? My $27 could buy antibiotics for six kittens or puppies with respiratory infections, or my $103 could provide critical medical care for a sick homeless pet.

First, jury duty summons, now daily guilt-trips.

Aiugh.

As an aside, thank you Matty for the book-love. Reading about someone else's strange voyage makes me feel a little less weird about mine.

in case you were wondering...

The reason I haven't been posting is because I have felt (and still do feel) like shit for most of this month.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and probably any other -ally of which you can conceive.

Thankfully, ennui keeps me from caring too much about it.

i went to los angeles this month.

And you can quit callling it a transcontinental booty call, thankyouverymuch.

i'm so immature

Following a misleading link from a shelter magazine's email newsletter, I found myself at a search engine page full of links to information about curtains.

Just because I could, I typed "penis" into the query box, and hit enter, which yielded many things, like say 20 advertised listings that included the following, courtesy of Ads by google:

The Truth About Penis Enlargement
Do penis enlargement programs really work? Free information reveals the real truth about penis enlargement. Don't get ripped off - before you spend a dime, read this first.

Prescription ED Meds Discount Price
Cialis $52.94, Levitra $46.94, Viagra $29.94 FedEx free. Processing fee. U.S. licensed pharmacy. 24 hour phone support.

Big Dick Bukkake(dot)com - Only $2.97 for 3 Days!
Big Dick Cum Bath! Watch these insatiable whores take face-shots from Huge Cocks! Get it all here! Thousands of vids and pics of hardcore Bukkake action. Also live sex feeds! Cum inside and Join Now!

Okay, I could have absolutely predicted that. Online ads about enlargement, drugs, porn, etc.? Totally expected.

penis in the Free Online Encyclopedia
Read about penis in the free online encyclopedia and dictionary. Over 1,000,000 articles on any topic and completely free access to the entire content.

Over 1-million articles? Wow. And of course, one of them being an extremely informative, very straight-forward article about the penis, including pictures, diagrams, and a link to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which is, as you may have guessed, a museum solely dedicated to the study and education about, and I'm borrowing a colorful colloquialism from dooce's youth, Wee Waw.

Looking for Penis?
Find Penis and more at Lycos Search. No clutter, just answers. Lycos -- Go Get It!

A search engine directing me to another search engine? Sure, I'll believe that.

Penis
Find Penis in and around your area.

Yeah, I believe it's referred to as going out to a club.

Find penis
Shop and compare great deals on penis and other related products at MonsterMarketplace.

Okay, I totally smirked at that one.

Find penis
Search local business listings for penis in your area. Find the right business near you!

That one made me snort. And then snort again. And then probably smirk. But then I lived next door to Touch of Mink for 6 years, so it's an automatic response.

JCPenney Official Site
Save on great clothing, home furnishings and more.

Presumably, penis would fall under the "and more" category.

Although it is probably an accidental hold-over from the original "curtain" listing, it is clearly my favorite listing from the search.

i have a confession to make...

As has been previously established, I am a frequent victim of what I like to cleverly refer to as "lizard lips." It doesn't matter how much gloss or balm or whatnot I smear all over their surface, how much water I drink, nor whether or not I regularly treat my lips with some crazy at-home spa treatment -- think scrub, masque, moisturizer, sealer.

I am cursed with dry, wrinkly, cracked lips.

Earlier this week, I attended a cluster training class for work, and was given a full-size Lip Fusion XL lip plumping product. My first thought upon its receipt was, "Woo hoo, now I can put it away with all of the numerous other lip plumpers I have received as gratis and never use. I wonder if I can sell it on eBay..." because I have never considered myself in need of a good lip-plumping.

I have a horrible camera grin, and one of my lips is slightly less cupid's bow-endowed on the left side, but I have never taken issue with the relative pillowy fullness of my smackers. I have even, in the past, been informed by more than one makeup artist that I have nice, just full-enough lips.

And most lip plumpers work by introducing an irritant or stimulant -- it mostly depends on who is talking up the product at the time -- to the delicate labial surface, creating increased blood flow and swelling in the area.

Or, in my case, horrorific burning and stinging from the cinnamon terpenoids or the phenol capsacin. Swelling, stinging, burning, rashiness and other "Oh my God make it stop make it stop Ow Ow Ow Holy Hell my lips are on fire!" types of sensations.

But then, immediately after I was given the Lip Fusion XL, I was informed that it worked through a completely different mechanism, is non-irritating, and would make my lips smooth, soft, and wrinkle-free. However, it's the sort of thing to be used at bedtime, because it was so strong it could potentially create issues if used constantly during the daytime. Call it a night time treatment for the lips.

So, I gave it a whirl when I got home, and was gratified to learn for myself that it didn't burn or sting, my lips got all full and luscious, and were smooth, soft, and devoid of any lizardy characteristics.

And now, I must shamefully admit that I am addicted to lip plumper.

At work, you can often find me at the Lip Fusion tester center, smushing a disposable lip brush into a tube of Blush Lip Fusion Gloss, muttering that my lips aren't smooth enough, or that they're starting to look deflated.

But happily, I have discovered that Sovage Lip Plumper also doesn't irritate my lips while still creating plumpness, and I just happen to own an unused, full-size tube of Sovage Lip Plumper from some previous vendor gratis experience.

So I can keep be my Angelina-iest (so not even close to that, but still, I can pretend) at all times.

well, crap...

I met this girl with lovely skin, and she gave me the name of her dermatologist.

I recently quit using Retin-A because it thins my skin, and I don't need any further assistance in turning translucent, as my body seems to be doing it very well on itself.

So, I've been considering going to the dermatologist, to have him check out my skin.

Except that I just saw on the news that police are now searching for his KILLER, after his body was found in his office by his daughter, yesterday.

Damnit, now I need a new recommendation.

why it pays to be on mailing lists, sometimes...

The Dresden Dolls vs. Panic! At The Disco many of you may have already seen it, but if you haven't, our new bootleg video for "backstabber" is up on youtube! featuring: the dresden dolls! panic! at the disco! lies! betrayal! murder! intrigue! ponies!!! long story short, we cooked up this video with panic! at the disco during the july tour.... it's a wonderful love feat of DIYness made with the help of our fine film-making friend, michael pope, who hopped onto the road with us for about week. last week it was displayed on the front page of youtube and has received over 650,000 hits to date. if you haven't seen it, GO SEE!!!! and send everyone one you love (and/or hate, and/or want to amuse) the link. help us keep the viral vortex spinning. CLICK HERE TO GO TO YOUTUBE AND WATCH THAT SHIT it's the FUTURE! Amanda Solo Show tickets recently went onsale for my upcoming solo show at the Paradise in Boston. There are only a few remaining so please get them while you can HERE Amanda Palmer Solo November 27, 2006 Paradise Rock Club 967 Commonwealth Ave / Boston, MA Doors: 7 PM / 18+ $16 with very piano-slayin' special guests Elizabeth and The Catapult & Casey Dienel see you there rock on with your smock on love, amanda

Pax

it's kinda like a real life memento, but not really, except sorta.

Might I suggest getting a tattoo on on your dumb ass?

From abcnews.go.com:

"She said Ingram had a similar amnesia incident in the mid-1990s. However, there's no indication as to what caused him to suddenly forget everything a few weeks ago."

Like maybe, "My name is Jeffrey Ingram. If found please call (contact number)?"

priceline is on my list...

From priceline.com:

"In most cases, Priceline Vacations Packages cannot be changed; cancelled, refunded or transferred once your package is purchased. This policy is what allows you to save so much on your vacation."

That's what it says in the customer service area of their site.

To me, "in most cases" implies that in some cases, packages can be changed.

American Airlines has two flights departing from LAX on the same day, for the same price, one at 6am, and the other at 11:10pm. I want to get off the 6am flight, and get on the 11:10pm flight.

Priceline says it's not possible.

American Airlines says it's not possible because the tickets are from Priceline, who says it's not possible.

Ironically, if I would have gotten the damned tickets from American Airlines in the first place, instead of from Priceline, I would have paid about $26 less for the same fucking tickets.

So, I officially do not endorse the use of Priceline, as they are inflexible pricks.

I gave them a plausible and understandable reason for the flight time change.

The people at Priceline don't care that theoretically my entire family will be in L.A. on that Sunday, following a theoretical cousin's wedding on Saturday, theoretically gathering together for the first time in over 8 years, and wanting to get together for a theoretically impromptu reunion that doesn't involve a ceremony or a reception afterward.

They're all like, "Too bad, loser. You bought the tickets, so live with it."

Me, I'd be all like, "Oh, my gosh! Everyone together for the first time in over 8 years for the celebration of a loved one's nuptials? Since the rules can be tweaked every once in a while, let's do it this time so that a happy gathering can happen just this one for this woman's family. How sad if they were all there except for her."

Sure, I really want to stay the extra few hours so that I am getting the most bang for my buck -- who takes a 3-day trip out of town to only really be gone two days, and leave before the crack of dawn on the third day? I mean, really? I'd have to be at the airport at like 3am on Sunday morning, for fuck's sake. That's CRAZY.

I really can't imagine that there are zillions of people clamoring to get back into Chicago at 5am on Monday morning. after all. Otherwise, not the same price for tickets and whatnot.

I sent them a nastygram, and am publicly condemning them for now.

dana made me do it.

SAVE THE CHEERLEADER - SAVE THE WORLD!

and he hasn't called since...

You know, I talked to the Dirty Boy at length a while ago.

Wherein he learned that other than a brief trip to Mexico as a toddler, I have never left the States.

And that I do not have a passport.

He travels around the world. A lot.

He works and saves money, travels a bunch, then works to make more money and travel again.

He isn't worried about security or responsibility.

I wish I was so brave.

I could probably be making more money where I work just as a stylist -- all the clients I have shuffled over to the new stylists I could have instead cultivated as clientele for myself, and probably have the same benefits and none of the responsibility. But, I'm afraid to lose the instant security that guaranteed salary and benefits offer. I also like making the schedule, and don't want someone else dictating to me when I can and can't take time off or do things I want to do.

Oh, and the swag. I love free things, and I wouldn't necessarily end up with all the loot I get if I weren't in charge. Is it worth the price of freedom? Probably not. But I'll never have to purchase shampoo again.

Maybe I should just take some time off that I want to take off, and go somewhere that isn't here.

cryptofun

I like doing crytogram puzzles. In fact, cryptograms are the new kakuro in my household.

However, I do not like the cryptofun that you have to enter all over der interweb to combat potential spammers. I find it irritating.

Matty had it on his site, and my argument against it is that utilizing it is prosiac and unimaginative, because everyone else already has it.

I think that anyone I would describe as an 'elitist, sassy, culturally-enriched, demi-hausfrau,' would shun the commonality of the "type the following gibberish into the box below, exactly as you read it" game that everyone seems to employ on their sites.

Especially when he moderates the comments already.

Cryptofun when I'm verifying an online concert ticket purchase? Yes, I'm not some maniacal bot fucking with commerce.

Cryptofun when I'm mocking someone's literary decisions? No thank you.

days of yore

Today, the dirty boy and I spoke on the phone at length, and I realized a lot of somethings about myself.

One of which being that I'm so very, very boring now.

I didn't use to be like this.

Once upon a time, I drank, I smoked, I inhaled, I stayed up for days on end, I was promiscuous, I was careless and free-wheeling, I had nothing, I wanted nothing, I was silly, I was pierced, I was dangerous, and I was fun.

I'm the one that wore the sheer black body suit with nothing underneath the top but a star and a moon made out duct tape, pretending to be pasties.

I'm the one that work the fishnet body stocking to a party with only tiny black panties and a black bra underneath.

I'm the one that wore the black corset, black vinyl hotpants, fishnets and black vinyl 5" platform stiletto boots that lace up to the knee to an anti-Valentine's Day fetish ball. Topped off with yards of black tulle and an elaborate black-veiled headpiece, I made a smashing evil anti-bride.

I'm the one that was the "sex kitten" at Alexander the Great's Halloween party, way back when.

I used to wear a motorcycle jacket that belonged to Bad Betty.

I loved the Sextacy Ball. Lords of Acid, Thrill Kill Kult, God Lives Underwater, Jack-Off Jill? Awesome.

I was a dirty, dirty girl.

A lot.

And now a typical evening includes pajamas, television, a microwaveable dinner, and sudoku or a crossword puzzle.

Do I still have a drag fetish? Of course. Boys dressed up like slutty girls are the yummiest.

My feelings on spanking? When you've had enough to drink, are having an obscenely good time and someone smacks you on the ass, it doesn't necessarily seem like such a bad idea.

Yes, I still have the boots, the hotpants, the fishnets and the corset.

The fishnet body stocking and motorcycle jacket? I gave those to an old roommate. Somehow they looked appropriate on him.

I think the naughty might still be in here somewhere, I'm just not sure how deep you'd have to dig to find it.

quel fromage!

C'est la vie. C'est la vache. C'est la guerre.

more stargate fun

Right before I went to Stargate Con, I stopped at a place in my neighborhood to get my nails filled, because sweetie, celebs don't need to notice outright that I wear acrylic nails, and that much space between enhancement and cuticle is a dead giveaway.

So, after I get outta Magic Nail, and am walking back to my car, some old dude stops me and asks what my t-shirt says.

Now, dig this: I'm wearing my hair up in a touseled blonde faux-hawk, I've got girly accessories and blingy whatnot, pink mirror shades, and I'm wearing low-rise cropped Levi's and a concert tee. Total rockstar.

"It says, 'hooray for boobies!"

He nods.

"Most people parse it as either Barbies or babies, but it's just an old concert tee."

More nodding. "Do you know the pink building?"

I point eastward towards the very visible pink building. "Yes, the one right there."

Nods and smiles. "I've lived there for quite a while. This is a great neighborhood."

"Yes, I like it, too. That's why I live in it."

"I'm a professor at the Art Institute."

"Um, that's nice, but there's my car and I am running late."

"Oh, okay. Have a nice day," he says, waving vaguely in my direction. "It was a pleasure to meet you."

"Yeah, thanks." Run away run away.

*****

Only much later did I realize that Posey had peed in the laundry basket, and had mildly odorized the seat of said Levi's. No one else noticed, but I was painfully aware that my ass smelled like cat piss all night.

And, perhaps unrelatedly, it was decided among a broad spectrum of people that I was the prettiest chick at the convention, which is pretty sad for a gathering that size. I'm used to being cute, and sometimes the cutest, but prettier than all other females present? That's unnatural.

Stargate seems to primarily attract older, overweight women with little to no fashion sense, and often a mullet of some sort. And young, plain teen girls with a encyclopedic knowledge of every freaking thing that has ever had anything to do with the show, ancillary things like books about the show, and even fiction novels based on the show.

Both subsets of womanhood seem to be somewhat rabid, as well.

Believe me, I like the show, but not enough to drop a coupla grand to visit Vancouver for the Con there, and pony up $200 extra to take a tour bus through sets and other places that they've filmed the show.

I got stuck looking at a photo album that belonged to one older woman who was a fine candidate to represent her kind, and I recognized only the Camelot sets, photo-documented in explicitly detailed shots, bit by bit, every cobble stone and wooden joist accounted for.

I wisely tuned out the narrative that went along with the pictures, just nodding regularly and saying, "Uh-huh" or "Mm-hmm" a lot.

blame the diamond council.

What are you doing the rest of your life?
North and South and East and West of your life
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me

All the seasons and the times of your days
All the nickels and the dimes of your days
Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days
All begin and end with me

I want to see your face in every kind of light
In the fields of dawn and the forests of the night
And when you stand before the candles on a cake
Oh, let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes
In the world of love that you keep in your eyes
I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes
It may take a kiss or two

Through all of my life
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall of my life
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you

Dusty Springfield --
"What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?"

(Music by Michel Legrand, lyrics by Alan & Marilyn Bergman)

*****

This would be that to which I am currently rocking-ish.

It suits my mood and my current state of affairs.

It's a more refined and eloquent version of running away to join the circus.

And it's in someone else's words.

an update of sorts...

Okay, the last weekend in August, I went to the 3rd Official Stargate: SG-1 & Stargate: Atlantis Convention Tour in Rosemont, where I met up with friends from the previous year. There are pictures, and you can wait for them.

Jason Momoa is very cute, very down to earth and sweet, having been largely raised in Norwalk, Iowa, and quite unlike his dense dude with a big gun on Atlantis. He also digs jazz.

Beau Bridges told some amusing stories about working with Jeff on the Outer Limits episode "Sand Kings," and in the movie Fabulous Baker Boys.

Joe Flannigan cancelled at the last minute, so they got Don S. Davis to substitute. He is probably one of the nicest guys you could ever meet, but I've now met him three times, and he just isn't yummy man candy.

*****

Then, I went on a date on August 28.

With the assistant tight-end coach of a national football league team.

Least likely date ever, mind you.

We did dinner and drinks, talked a lot, shared a cab, exchanged pecks on the cheek, and he asked me if I'd like to go out again while he was in town. I said yes, he said he'd call, and I haven't heard from him since.

I'm sure this surprises the hell out of everyone.

*****

My family visited over Labor Day weekend. Good times were had by all, of course.

*****

One of my stylists was also classy enough to call me on Labor Day, and inform me that s/he was not going to be returning to work, except to collect her/his gear.

*****

The second weekend in September, Sackie, who was the first person I befriended at the 1st Official Stargate whatnot, called me and left me a voicemail to see if I was willing to work at a convention, because they were desperately short of volunteers.

I said I would, and proceeded to have a fun time at the Official Star Trek 40th Anniversary Convention Tour for the rest of the weekend. I drank a lot, I sassed celebrities, I made a statement in my biography factually inaccurate, I was a terrible brat, and generally had a blast. There are pictures, here.

I also was a horrible bitch to someone that didn't deserve it. Slightly embarassed by the previous night's "demanding petulant pretty pretty princess" mode into which I had slipped after many, many drinks, and the activities that resulted thereafter, I was cool and stand-offish to someone that was only guilty of being a physically-affectionate, dirty, dirty boy named H.

Which probably greatly confused him after all of the drunken friendly warmness from the day before. Being generally all square and sober, and not really down with the pda in front of strangers, I was touchy and brusque.

And now, being generally all square and sober again, I am shamed by how callous I was to H, even though I was just trying to be cool and non-chalant.

Frankly, I suck at effectively communicating with the other sex on a personal level.

Of course, he's got my email address, and I don't even know his last name or contact information. I do know he lives in L.A. and wants to move to Australia. He travels a lot, and he wears neatly tailored suits. The knowledge of which isn't particularly helpful.

*****

On the plus side, I made some new friends with the crew of SG-69, who do security at these sorts of events. I've seen them on the sidelines for the last three years, and now I actually know their names.

And I got to get my picture taken with Connor Trinneer (He played Trip on Enterprise, and he plays Michael on Atlantis), for whom I also fetched coffee (he takes it with milk, not cream). He is very cute in person, and very sweet.

And then I got to line wrangle for John de Lancie, which basically meant that for a furious 30 or so minutes, I made people give me their items to be signed, handed them to Mr. de Lancie to autograph, and then told them to collect their items down the line somewhere. I got to say, "Items for Mr. de Lancie, please," several hundred times. Oh, I also told people many, many times to give the Connor pix to his people, and not me.

Mr. de Lancie is very attractive in an older, haughty, gentlemanly kind of way. Which means he was way hotter than I expected.

I got both of them to sign my Stargate poster from two weeks earlier, telling them that while I knew they weren't at the Con, Joe Flannigan was supposed to be and he wasn't, and besides they were both on SG-1 and/or Atlantis.

I also met Natalia Nogulich (Vice Admiral Nechayev) and Suzie Plakson (K'Ehleyr) from ST:TNG. And also Michelle Scarabelli, who played Susan Francisco on the TV version of Alien Nation. And Bobby Clark, who played the lizard dude, Gorn, in that episode of ST:TOS called "Arena," where Kirk battles a lizard dude in order to save his ship and crew.

*****

Let's see, the next week I went out for a nice dinner with Tifling, Willlybean, and Willybean's brother, Dr. J. We sat outside at Chef's Station, which was nice, but a little chilly. Damn you, fleeting summer.

Willybean's just gotten the guitar-equivalent of Dance, Dance Revolution, called Guitar Hero, so he and Dr. J and Tifling took turns playing the guitar controllers in time to such classics as "I Love Rock & Roll," "Bark at the Moon," and "Cowboys from Hell." The controllers are fun, and come complete with whammy bars and all. Willybean even has the Flying-V guitar controller. I'm sure he can't wait until November 7, when Guitar Hero II comes out.

*****

I've been a little extra blue lately, so I've lacked super high-quality entertainment value. The mucky weather, an unhealthy diet, poor sleeping, and just being generally worn out isn't doing a lot for me. Fortunately, I've got a meds check with my doctor next week, so I can address that with her.

*****

I've tentatively hired a new stylist that actually graduated from my old beauty school, and am on the hunt for two more, hopefully one of which will return my call tomorrow.

*****

We're under a tornado watch in Chicago, and loud sirens were going off all over the place, but just stopped. The NWS says a tornado touched down in Humboldt Park, and would possibly wend it's way towards Downtown and/or Lincoln Park.

I think if one hit here, it would technically have to be a hurricane, what with the proximity of the lake and all. I will tell you, though, that it's all kinds of windy down on the ground level. I can hear debris and leaves whipping around down in the parking lot.

I suppose I might take the flood warning seriously, though.

8 bits of rage.

Today, reading Dooce led me here.

Which led me here.

And then here.

Which ultimately led to here.

And I have to say, Luvbeat makes me cackle with glee, even if they are on myspace.

EFF PSA.

i love myself because...

..I actually tell people things like,

"Any advice I have to offer has nothing to do with (subject), and everything to do with an impolite spatial suggestion relative to areas of your personal geography and the potentiality of foreign objects to be encountered therein."