sometimes i'm the naked chef.

Often it's because I prefer to prepare foods that are simple and delicious on their own, a'la Jamie Oliver.

Although, sometimes it's just because it's really fucking hot in the kitchen when I'm baking.

Unless you count an apron or oven mitts as clothing.

Because then I'd just be the mostly-naked chef.

Which doesn't sound near as glamorous.

csi: miami vs. pixiemartin.com: chicago

On Monday night's CSI: Miami, the plot revolved around a group of teen-aged college kids playing a real-life version of a Grand Theft Auto-esque video game.

They were mirroring the story line of the game, level by level, detail by detail -- rob a bank with a cop inside, shoot a teller and the security guard, tag a hot bystander (attempted rape, thankfully, but thwarted before it could be more than a scary thought), kidnap the bank manager, get the bank manager to tell you where the next bank's money shipment will be delivered, steal it, get busted, break into the police station and steal the evidence against the pinched criminal, etc.

And when the police went to the people responsible for the video game, in order to get a copy of the script, so that they could stop the gamers before more people got hurt, the CEO shut them down, citing that "800,000 units sold last quarter." He then refused to help the police because his lawyers said that was proprietary information, and was arrested for obstruction of justice.

I'm sure that somewhere in here, there's already been some alarmingly ridiculous flights of fancy plot-wise, but I was bothered by something else.

Because of the CEO's refusal to aid the authorities, the CSI that figured out the game connection to the crimes had to play the game level by level, to outwit the criminals. Etc.

And conveniently, he got to the level where they raid the police station (or in this case, the CSI lab) just in time to stop them from killing anyone else, much less accomplishing their criminal objective.

I won't even go into the rest of the plot, because it got even less likely, but infinitely more thrillingly Hollywood.

Now, here's my issue... If a video game has been around long enough for their to be "800,000 units sold last quarter," it's been around long enough for at least half a dozen people to have compiled a very neat and complete FAQ and step-by-step walkthrough of the game, and then post it somewhere accessible to everyone online, like IGN or Neoseeker.

Which means that they should have just gone online, spent five minutes web-browsing, and then solving the case from there.

Instead of paying one of their officers to sit around all day, and play video games.

Yeesh.

leaves change colors and so do i.

My hair is this color, and your hair isn't.

Well, okay. Maybe it is.

But I really doubt it.

I mean, I suppose it's possible.

It isn't like achieving a particular haircolor
is a truly impossible task.

I do it all the time.

But then I rock at that shit.

I just think that it's highly unlikely that any
of you have this exact color on your head
right this very second.

just a thought

...hmmm

As I was standing in front of the mirror, wearing only a pair of 12-hole high-top black leather Converse All-Stars, I had a thought.

Somewhere out there, I totally had to be fulfilling some dude's fetish for sneaker-clad, nude chicks.

Even if he didn't know it.

drag me down and out

...i'm rambling

So, I had this pre-op (I didn't check down her pants, but I'm guessing from the stubble on her neck here) transexual woman come in for a job interview.

It wasn't her gender that bothered me. It was the fact that her hair was this big crazy Dame Edna 'do, the same color as a school bus, and featuring at least an inch of dark outgrowth.

And that her clearly often-worn false eyelashes were falling off her right eyelid. Probably under the weight of 57 or more applications of mascara. It was like a tarantula seeking the sweet release of freedom, but only making it half way there.

You know how when women wear eyeshadow, they generally blend the colors into one another? And how bad drag performers often fill in some sort of geometric shape they've created from their lashline to just above the crease, usually with one shade of garish something? This prospective job candidate unfortunately subscribed to that latter form of cosmetic aesthetic. Via bright, flaming irregular pentagons of fuschia.

The lips were tightly penciled, and filled in with a surprisingly-normal shade of burgundy. But they still looked draggy.

I can't even describe the eyebrows. I just can't.

The kicker, though, was the fact that she was wearing the most Plain Jane outfit you could ever hope to see. Old school, small town elementary school librarians aspire to be this frumpy.

To her credit, she did call the next day and told me that she had accepted a full-time position elsewhere, and didn't want me to waste any further time considering her application. Which was a relief, in a way, but still sort of felt like a snub.

So I was talking to my newest stylist, Drama, about this woman, explaining that the gender status wasn't the issue. Appearance was. I told Drama that if this woman had looked half as glamorous as Diva does everyday, and believe me, Diva is about as tastefully blingy as a woman can be , that I would have hired her in an instant.
The next day, Diva told me that she was very upset about something that I said the day before, when I was comparing her to a drag queen.

She had half overheard what I had been saying, and decided that I was saying that she looked like she was a drag queen.

More specifically, that she looked like a man. A man in women's clothing.

And even more specifically, a presumably gay man.

I assured her that I had said that she was the sort of over-the-top-yet-still-okay glamorous that many drag queens spend their whole careers trying to achieve. That is she were a drag queen, everyone would just assume that she was an incredibly fabulous-looking woman.

She said that she was glad she'd gotten that cleared up, because what I was talking about was a sin, and that the Bible even talked about how it was a sin.

I asked her where it said in the Bible that "Thou Shalt Not Dress In The Clothing Of The Opposite Gender In An Attempt To Look Glam, Or Else."

And she said that wasn't in the Bible, and wasn't what she was talking about. She was talking about the being gay part.

Because all men that wear women's clothing are obviously gay male sinners who are going to Hell for their wicked ways.

I tried to assure her that not every man in a woman's garb happened to be gay. I told her lots of heterosexual men wore women's clothing regularly.

And she said that they were sinners, too.

And then she assured me that they were all going to Hell. Because it's a sin.

I was going to ask her again which passage in the Bible delivered the message that "Thou Shalt Not Dress In The Clothing Of The Opposite Gender In An Attempt To Look Glam, Or Else."

But then I decided that she'd just think I was making fun of her.

And you definitely do not want to offend the Christian sensibilities of proud Southern Baptist women of color.

(Even if they are hypocrites and sinners of the worst kind.)