confessions of a craigslist troll

I love to read the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist.

It's like tragic, soap opera porn.

Mostly it's people looking for one-nighters or to indulge some sort of fantasy that clearly isn't being met by their regular sexual outlet. Lots of guys looking to give or receive oral with some lucky lady, some jungle fever itches that need scratched, chubby chasers looking for love, etc.

But sometimes it's just so inconceivably goofy, that I can barely contain my perverse glee at reading the delightful offerings. Long, detailed descriptions of scenarios people want to act out, bizarre listings for things like free housecleaning services when all the guy really wants is to wear your bra and panties and have you boss him around while he rearranges your closets for you, or even fiction and poetry:

"One cum, two cum, three cum, four
That’s what I need from my dirty little whore
Gagging your face and pounding your ass
To the outside world you had so much class

"Don’t think that we’re finished, oh we are not done
The cuddling, the kissing, the gentler fun
All this and more is yours to acquire
When to be my submissive is what you desire"

Plus, there are even DIRTY PICTURES!

aw, fuck...

Damnit.

Now we probably will end up hosting the 2016 Olympics.

*sigh*

potpourri

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Matty for the box of Gaiman-y goodness. It took me like 6 weeks to pick it up from the post office, but when I finally opened it up in the car, I did the happy dance seat wiggle, and texted some love.

Thank you for brightening my day, you wonderful gay boy from Iowa.

Oh, and if anyone's keeping track, I'm now sporting a short, messy, bleach-blonde pixie crop again.

And I don't know what to be for Halloween. Last year I was a Hot Topic store manager. This year? Meh.

But I do know that I want a Oral-B spinny-headed sonic toothbrush for Christmas. (The one that's like $60 at Target.)

I also want a peticure, or whatever the hell you call the cat grooming tool that files the nails shorter.

Today I took a prescription in to Target pharmacy to get filled because I get points for shopping there, and was told it'd be about 15 minutes to fill. I went back about 25 minutes later, and I was informed that they couldn't give me my prescription because while it was filled and sitting in the basket waiting to be claimed and paid for, the pharmacist was on lunch until 2pm, and they legally couldn't dispense anything while s/he wasn't present.

Maybe they coulda told me that when I dropped off the script, since the pharmacist appeared to be at lunch then, too.

When I said I prolly wouldn't be able to pick it up until Monday now, the dude shrugged and said he was sorry that he couldn't help me.

virtual, schmirtual.

I have an account on a 3D-avatar site called IMVU.

In the past it's been a great source of entertainment and friendship, but more and more it's become a place of disappointment and heartache.

For some reason, of all the thousands of chat rooms I could be hanging out in, a virtual dance club with bunch of regulars that are socially-maladjusted nerds seems to be the place I feel most comfortable calling home.

Most of the people on there are broken in some way or other, much like in most online communities.

And almost without fail, every single time I care enough about someone to actually consider them a real friend, they disappear.

I seem to combine the best of video games and anime with all the fun of a therapist and friend... Talk to an ultra-hot neko cat girl in a see-through kimono, or a winged pixie in chain mail, and she'll not only entertain you in a variety of ways, but be an irreverent flirt, an ego booster, a conscientious listener, a shoulder to cry on, and solve all your problems lickety split.

It's like I give the magical gift of being able to function in the real world without the need for virtual anything anymore.

Except who do I get to talk to when they're all fixed and go away?

callooh! callay!

Ba'et bashak ushlay pachzar
Be'afsay-chak savsu, makdo:
au az chilcain haya nimzar
umtay-aran kairdu.

"Gura bnee, min hapiton
mai 'chod-shino, chil-ziparno!
mayof-girgir tanoos, za'on
maychetesh bim'gono!"

Vehu shalaf saypho hachaz:
nad, cheepace et pechik-tzarav --
veko amad betzel zamzam,
tapoos beheerhoorav.

Odo omed shefa hagoot
vehapiton, einav dolkot
veesh'vesh beya'ar hamanood,
ho'e'ah venakot!

Bim'chi chazooz - habas! habas! -
ticktaich hasayif benimhar
natal et rosh pigro hazed
ve'el beito tzahar

"Af ketalto, et hapiton?
achabkecha, yaldi hatzach!
ho yom-tzilha! yabah! yabah!
bechedvato patzach.

Ba'et bashak ushlay pachzar
Be'afsay-chak savsu, makdo:
au az chilcain haya nimzar
umtay-aran kairdu.

hey baby, wanna let me back you up with my zip drive?

dear usher,

thank you, thank you, thank you for the song "dot com.*"

it has been the source of inspiration for many a new pickup line, as demonstrated above.

with your guidance, my cybering skillz will now be that much more l33t.

with much dot love,
pixie

*dot com - usher

oooo i love the way ya dirty type
i can take you home ON ESCAPE
oooo i need your backspace in my life
thank god you don't have a flatscreen

please...baby I got to see you
and I really want to please you
so get on my laptop so I can download

online...I love the way you log on
we can do it all night
I'll make you dot com
baby if you sign on
I'm gon make ya light up
oo baby if you log on
I'll make you dot com

I wanted to link up with you baby at first sight
with you I get to use my f keys...yeah..
I can't wait to give you megabites
I got all the memory you need
let ma fingers do the talking babe

please... baby I got to see you
I really want to please you
so get on my laptop so I can download

online...I love the way you log on
we can do it all night
I'll make you dot com
sign on
I'm gon make ya light up
baby if you log on
I'll make you dot com

oooo.. baby you want this I know
I can't wait to give you my harddrive
my moonlight...if it's alright
baby...ooh I'm always at your window
ready to shift and control you
if you want me to....say yes baby
say yes baby
say yes baby
say yes baby
got to say
ooo say yes baby
say yes baby
got to say yes
yes, say it

please..baby I got to see you
cause I really want to please you
so get up on me baby get up on me
( OOO I really want you)

online....i love the way you log on (AWW BABY)
we can do it all night (WE CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT)
i'll make you dot com (IM GONNA MAKE....)
sign on (SURE YA HAVE IT BABY)
i'm gon make ya light up (GONNA MAKE YOU LIGHT UP)
oo baby if you log on (OOOOO)
i'll make you dot com (IMMM GONNA MAKE YOU DOT COM)
online....i love the way you log on (GIRL WHATS UP, DO YOU WANNA LINK UP...::SCATS:: DO YOU WANNA LOG ON)
we can do it all night
i'll make you dot com (IM GONNA MAKE YOU, IM GONNA MAKE YOU..OH COME ON)
sign on (U-S-H-E-R, W-O...R-L-D DOT COM)
i'm gon make ya light up
oo baby if you log on (OOO BABE)
i'll make you dot com

okay, i'm not dead...

i'm just feeling realllllly undermotivated to post.

thank you jimmer, for the gift of spa, and thankoo to matty for the gift of my own literary choice.

birthday 36 in less than two weeks, kinda freaking me out.

i dyed my hair purple, for either the fun of it, or some sort of anti-old age rebellion thing.

i'm always tired, i need a vacation, and i haven't been watching any television at all!

work is fine - lost a stylist and gained two, so we're up to 11 now!

still no special anyone in my life...

status quo, pretty much.

*smoochies*

<3

Two little boys sitting on the ground, outside of a nail shop.

Their mother walked up, saying "Come on, let's go."

One of the boys exclaimed, "I can't get up! The kryptonite is taking away all my powers."

She repeated back to him, a hint of incredulity in her voice, "You can't get up because the kryptonite is taking away all of your powers?"

Sighing, he nodded slowly, which was when I noticed his cape.

...

Skampy got a new tattoo.

I was thinking about the things that have held my interests for the longest time, and came up with Ancient Egypt and Hello Kitty.

I fell in love with Ancient Egypt somewhere in the midst of high school, but I first loved HK in third grade.

I have three Egyptian-inspired tattoos.

Maybe it's time for discrete new ink somewhere on my person.

...

Today I learned that you can get a Hello Kitty credit card.

I also stumbled across this most excellent site, which I like because in many ways I agree with the man.


And did you know that Hello Kitty has her own kitty named Charmmy Kitty? It's kind weird to me, but she's still in my heart.

rand-o-mite!

Randomly speaking:

• I know a woman named Andrea. People have mis-heard it so often as "Angela," her nickname over time has become "Ang."
  
  I call her "And."
  
  
• Comedians of Comedy is so funny I had to rewatch parts of it.
  
  Yay Patton Oswald!
  
  As an aside, I only watched Ratatouille because he was the voice of Remy. It was a cute flick, but Mr. Oswald was what sold me.
  
  
• Hye Bar short pours.
  
  If I am still completely lucid & coherent after 4 drinks and 2 shots, and not over-enunciating or using reallllly big words because I can, something odd is afoot.
  
  
• Being a little tipsy loosens up my inhibitions enough that cleaning and organizing all of the actually sounds like a good idea, and not horrific torture.
  

awwww...

waveland wild kingdom

As I parked my car on Waveland today, between Greenview and Jenssen, in my periphery vision, I noted something dark-colored rapidly hurtling out of the sky and then hitting the sidewalk in an explosive white poof.

Wtf?

For the life of me, I thought that maybe someone had violently thrown a brown feather pillow or a box of styrofoam peanuts out an upper-story window.

But looking out the passenger window, I realized that the dark object was a small brown bird of prey - later identified as a peregrine falcon - sitting atop a large, puffy white feathery thing, presumably a pigeon, surrounded by at least a couple dozen white feathers of all sizes.

As the feathers skittered and danced upon the ground, and the peregrine moved back and forth on its feet, kneading the pigeon upon which it sat with its talons - much like a cat on your tummy, it occurred to me that this might be the time for a fabulous photo op.

Unfortunately, my windows were so dirty that I couldn't really clearly make out the pile of bird through the lens, at least well enough to identify it as anything beyond a blur through a dirty, sun-stricken window.

And then as quickly as it had fallen to earth, the peregrine exploded upwards into the sky, trailing white feathers like a vapor trail.

Looking a little confused, the pigeon then suddenly popped up, and fluttered a bit unsteadily on the ground, before launching itself into the air, also trailing white feathers like a vapor trail.

Then the two of them did a swooping little air ballet, before rocketing off in different directions.

And if Fe and Ro hadn't called off, I wouldn't have gone to work an hour earlier than normal, and I certainly wouldn't have seen that.