there are few words to convey the sorrow in my heart.

In 2007, Dad decided that at Christmastime, he was going to open up $2k TD Ameritrade accounts for the three of us girls, that we'd have access to and input upon stock choices to learn about and appreciate the importance of long term investment.

At some point, early on, I asked him to buy 5 shares of Apple, which he did. I was interested in seeing how the next generation of Zune and iPhones being launched were going to affect the market share prices, etc.

He bought five shares around 85, as well as some other stocks, and for a few years I followed the stocks, and was very pleased as the Apple stocks doubled, then tripled in value.

At least a year ago, for some reason, the password changed on the account, and it wasn't a big deal, but I kept tracking the Apple stock, which today closed around 4 times what was paid for it.

Which would make me happy, except for the fact that about an hour ago, Dad told me that he dumped all the stocks a while ago when the market was all "bearish."

When I asked him why on God's earth he would dump the Apple, which should conceivably always appreciate in the long run - for Christ's sake, Allie has a Mac - he said he just doesn't understand the market anymore.

I'd like to know when exactly he _did_ understand the market, and am asking him to remove me from the account.

I am really fucking disappointed, to say the least. When the chips have been down, I've always at least had the warm thought of having made a very financially sound investment in the stock market.

I had been wondering lately how the whole Apple TV and Beatles iTunes discography developments, not to mention the Verizon iPad and upcoming iPhone ventures, were going to be reflected in the stock in the new year, which I guess is now just an exercise in torturous mental masturbation.

The joke was always that someday I'd probably be able to retire on Apple.

Now it's just salt in the wound.

Crushing, crushing, depressing disappointment.

Merry fucking Christmas Eve.

alls i wants for xmas is...

$$$$$

Bare Escentuals Foundation in FAIR

Escada Marine Groove EDP

Vera Wang Princess

rednoosh earrings

Amazon gift cards

Target gift cards

Michaels gift cards

TJX gift cards

Knitting loom (see Amazon Wishlist)

Amazon Wishlist items

Delicious maple syrup

academic realizations and life frustrations.

I came to the realization today that most likely the only reason I made it through college is because everything I excelled at was creatively driven, or allowed me the opportunity to learn to make things.

Creative writing and poetry writing were both things I enjoyed, and all of the classes I took in art and botany required hands-on physical creation and interaction.

Also, the art history and botany classes required massive amounts of visual identification and memorization, which I am able to do very well in short term bursts. Long term? I still know a few things, but I've definitely forgotten more than I know.

I would love nothing more than to have studio space to craft and create jewelry, and make a living from that. It would be massively incredible to use what I learned in college and what I've learned about art-making and crafting since graduation to support myself.

But realistically, I have neither the space nor funding to acquire a space in which to do these things, nor do I have the start-up capital to invest in raw materials, and then the funds to get by while I am establishing myself in the industry.

I do have a mountain of existing debt, and a job that I love which doesn't cover all of the bills, but I have yet to really find something to do that fills in that economic breach. No one wants to hire me for anything, except for a season position that ended with Halloween.

Good thing: I'm invited to return to the costume sales industry come next Falll. Bad thing: Note the when part.

One of the things I liked about the costume store was getting to see people in the costumes, not only because it was fun, but because I could learn about fit and sizing and materials, in order to better help other customers with the costumes. Inside knowledge is awesome.

Every time I go to a store like Joann Fabric or Michaels, I am angry that disinterested, unknowledgeable people are working somewhere where I am well-suited for employment. I am the perfect fit for that environment - I love customer service, stocking, merchandising, I know all about arts and crafts, and would welcome the opportunity to learn more about things of which I am ignorant - but I have a sneaking suspicion that WOTC-eligibility is a bigger incentive to hiring parties than knowledge.

(Big box stores and grocery stores aren't even interested in me, and I have management experience, for criminy's sake.)

So I am currently living off the "largesse" of the JP Morgan Chase Card Services Division.