damn the seventh wheel.

I did have plans for NYE.

Exciting, fun, looked-forward-to plans that were made last NYE.

But the logistics of the evening changed, and my dumb ass got bumped from the festivities.

Now I have no plans for NYE.

Anyone want to go see a movie or something?

merry christmas, bitches.

Love,
Cricket (et. al.)

that with which i have been given during this season of good will towards men and similar ilk....

1. a $25 gift card to Caribou Coffee, from T.B., a client.
2. a $10 gift card to Starbucks, from R.N., a client.
3. a card + cash, from J.U., a client.
4. cash, from S.S., a client.
5. a subscription to Games Magazine, from Tifling.
6. a tin of butter cookies, from my landlord.
   
7. a hardcover copy of Diablo Cody's Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper, from Matty.
8. a slice of lemon-poppyseed bread + a $20 gift card to Caribou Coffee, from B.F., a client.
9. a card + cash, from G.J., a client.
10. a membership to Western Colorado Congress, from my cousin in Colorado.
11. delicious Ouray-made truffles, from my cousin in Colorado and her family.
12. lots of Burt's Bees hand and foot lovin' gear, again courtesy of the Colorado cousin 'n family.
    
13. a $10 gift card to Caribou Coffee in a cute little stocking, from S., my ASM.
14. a small gift bag of Hershey candies, from H., my GM.
15. a card + cash, from Pappy.
16. a Black & Decker Scumbuster, from the 'rents.
17. a bag of meltaway mint, from Santa.
18. a tin of chocolate hazelnut pirouettes, from Santa.
19. Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest on DVD, from Short-Round.
20. Sarah McLachlan's Wintersong CD, from Princess Stinkerbell.
21. a copy of Robert Sabuda's pop-up book, Encylopedia Prehistorica Dinosaurs, from Daddy 'n Short-Round.
22. a pretty bead necklace made in Ouray, from Mom.
23. a Tinker Bell magnet set, from Princess Stinkerbell.
24. a card + cash, from Mom.
25. Graffiti Zoo Pink Flamingos (candy), from Mom & Short-Round.
    
26. the first season of 21 Jump Street on DVD, from Mom.
27. a cute pink jewelry bag with pink bead accents, from my cousins in California.
    

hopefully more to follow...

(I have also received over 50% return of holiday cards, which is impressive to me.)

and now i can't give the shit away...

Last week, I decided to take responsibility at work for making sure that three boxes of stuff was donated to a women's shelter.

None of the damned shelters will get back to me, so the boxes are still sitting in the stock room.

Today after work, I stopped in at Starbucks to drop off Toys for Tots.

Only to discover that they no longer collect for the charity.

Then, on the way into the grocery store, I decided to put a couple of bucks into the Salvation Army bucket when I left the store.

And as I was exiting the store, cash in hand, I realized that no annoying bells were being rung, and no bright red bucket was to be seen.

what i want to know is...

Which bitch outed me to the local charities?

I happily donated to Felines, Inc. because that's where I got my beloved little Posey-kins, but now I've got the Night Ministry, PAWS Chicago (Pets Are Worth Saving), The Chicago Fund on Aging & Disability/Meals on Wheels Chicago, and Father Scott Donahue from Mercy Home for Boys & Girls all beseeching, begging, or otherwise hitting me up for charitable donations to help the kitties/puppies/homeless/aged/infirmed/abandoned/abused in my area.

I can ignore large-scale national organizations like Easter Seals and Amnesty International with no problem, but when I've got a heartbreaking letter from the president of a local charity telling me that his shelter is overflowing with abused and abandoned children, it's got a waiting list a mile long, and that my $35 could "make a real difference in a hurting child's life," I feel like a total fuck-o for not whipping out my checkbook.

And what about the poor, abandoned, homeless baby animals? My $27 could buy antibiotics for six kittens or puppies with respiratory infections, or my $103 could provide critical medical care for a sick homeless pet.

First, jury duty summons, now daily guilt-trips.

Aiugh.

As an aside, thank you Matty for the book-love. Reading about someone else's strange voyage makes me feel a little less weird about mine.

in case you were wondering...

The reason I haven't been posting is because I have felt (and still do feel) like shit for most of this month.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and probably any other -ally of which you can conceive.

Thankfully, ennui keeps me from caring too much about it.

i went to los angeles this month.

And you can quit callling it a transcontinental booty call, thankyouverymuch.

i'm so immature

Following a misleading link from a shelter magazine's email newsletter, I found myself at a search engine page full of links to information about curtains.

Just because I could, I typed "penis" into the query box, and hit enter, which yielded many things, like say 20 advertised listings that included the following, courtesy of Ads by google:

The Truth About Penis Enlargement
Do penis enlargement programs really work? Free information reveals the real truth about penis enlargement. Don't get ripped off - before you spend a dime, read this first.

Prescription ED Meds Discount Price
Cialis $52.94, Levitra $46.94, Viagra $29.94 FedEx free. Processing fee. U.S. licensed pharmacy. 24 hour phone support.

Big Dick Bukkake(dot)com - Only $2.97 for 3 Days!
Big Dick Cum Bath! Watch these insatiable whores take face-shots from Huge Cocks! Get it all here! Thousands of vids and pics of hardcore Bukkake action. Also live sex feeds! Cum inside and Join Now!

Okay, I could have absolutely predicted that. Online ads about enlargement, drugs, porn, etc.? Totally expected.

penis in the Free Online Encyclopedia
Read about penis in the free online encyclopedia and dictionary. Over 1,000,000 articles on any topic and completely free access to the entire content.

Over 1-million articles? Wow. And of course, one of them being an extremely informative, very straight-forward article about the penis, including pictures, diagrams, and a link to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which is, as you may have guessed, a museum solely dedicated to the study and education about, and I'm borrowing a colorful colloquialism from dooce's youth, Wee Waw.

Looking for Penis?
Find Penis and more at Lycos Search. No clutter, just answers. Lycos -- Go Get It!

A search engine directing me to another search engine? Sure, I'll believe that.

Penis
Find Penis in and around your area.

Yeah, I believe it's referred to as going out to a club.

Find penis
Shop and compare great deals on penis and other related products at MonsterMarketplace.

Okay, I totally smirked at that one.

Find penis
Search local business listings for penis in your area. Find the right business near you!

That one made me snort. And then snort again. And then probably smirk. But then I lived next door to Touch of Mink for 6 years, so it's an automatic response.

JCPenney Official Site
Save on great clothing, home furnishings and more.

Presumably, penis would fall under the "and more" category.

Although it is probably an accidental hold-over from the original "curtain" listing, it is clearly my favorite listing from the search.

i have a confession to make...

As has been previously established, I am a frequent victim of what I like to cleverly refer to as "lizard lips." It doesn't matter how much gloss or balm or whatnot I smear all over their surface, how much water I drink, nor whether or not I regularly treat my lips with some crazy at-home spa treatment -- think scrub, masque, moisturizer, sealer.

I am cursed with dry, wrinkly, cracked lips.

Earlier this week, I attended a cluster training class for work, and was given a full-size Lip Fusion XL lip plumping product. My first thought upon its receipt was, "Woo hoo, now I can put it away with all of the numerous other lip plumpers I have received as gratis and never use. I wonder if I can sell it on eBay..." because I have never considered myself in need of a good lip-plumping.

I have a horrible camera grin, and one of my lips is slightly less cupid's bow-endowed on the left side, but I have never taken issue with the relative pillowy fullness of my smackers. I have even, in the past, been informed by more than one makeup artist that I have nice, just full-enough lips.

And most lip plumpers work by introducing an irritant or stimulant -- it mostly depends on who is talking up the product at the time -- to the delicate labial surface, creating increased blood flow and swelling in the area.

Or, in my case, horrorific burning and stinging from the cinnamon terpenoids or the phenol capsacin. Swelling, stinging, burning, rashiness and other "Oh my God make it stop make it stop Ow Ow Ow Holy Hell my lips are on fire!" types of sensations.

But then, immediately after I was given the Lip Fusion XL, I was informed that it worked through a completely different mechanism, is non-irritating, and would make my lips smooth, soft, and wrinkle-free. However, it's the sort of thing to be used at bedtime, because it was so strong it could potentially create issues if used constantly during the daytime. Call it a night time treatment for the lips.

So, I gave it a whirl when I got home, and was gratified to learn for myself that it didn't burn or sting, my lips got all full and luscious, and were smooth, soft, and devoid of any lizardy characteristics.

And now, I must shamefully admit that I am addicted to lip plumper.

At work, you can often find me at the Lip Fusion tester center, smushing a disposable lip brush into a tube of Blush Lip Fusion Gloss, muttering that my lips aren't smooth enough, or that they're starting to look deflated.

But happily, I have discovered that Sovage Lip Plumper also doesn't irritate my lips while still creating plumpness, and I just happen to own an unused, full-size tube of Sovage Lip Plumper from some previous vendor gratis experience.

So I can keep be my Angelina-iest (so not even close to that, but still, I can pretend) at all times.

well, crap...

I met this girl with lovely skin, and she gave me the name of her dermatologist.

I recently quit using Retin-A because it thins my skin, and I don't need any further assistance in turning translucent, as my body seems to be doing it very well on itself.

So, I've been considering going to the dermatologist, to have him check out my skin.

Except that I just saw on the news that police are now searching for his KILLER, after his body was found in his office by his daughter, yesterday.

Damnit, now I need a new recommendation.

why it pays to be on mailing lists, sometimes...

The Dresden Dolls vs. Panic! At The Disco many of you may have already seen it, but if you haven't, our new bootleg video for "backstabber" is up on youtube! featuring: the dresden dolls! panic! at the disco! lies! betrayal! murder! intrigue! ponies!!! long story short, we cooked up this video with panic! at the disco during the july tour.... it's a wonderful love feat of DIYness made with the help of our fine film-making friend, michael pope, who hopped onto the road with us for about week. last week it was displayed on the front page of youtube and has received over 650,000 hits to date. if you haven't seen it, GO SEE!!!! and send everyone one you love (and/or hate, and/or want to amuse) the link. help us keep the viral vortex spinning. CLICK HERE TO GO TO YOUTUBE AND WATCH THAT SHIT it's the FUTURE! Amanda Solo Show tickets recently went onsale for my upcoming solo show at the Paradise in Boston. There are only a few remaining so please get them while you can HERE Amanda Palmer Solo November 27, 2006 Paradise Rock Club 967 Commonwealth Ave / Boston, MA Doors: 7 PM / 18+ $16 with very piano-slayin' special guests Elizabeth and The Catapult & Casey Dienel see you there rock on with your smock on love, amanda

Pax

it's kinda like a real life memento, but not really, except sorta.

Might I suggest getting a tattoo on on your dumb ass?

From abcnews.go.com:

"She said Ingram had a similar amnesia incident in the mid-1990s. However, there's no indication as to what caused him to suddenly forget everything a few weeks ago."

Like maybe, "My name is Jeffrey Ingram. If found please call (contact number)?"

priceline is on my list...

From priceline.com:

"In most cases, Priceline Vacations Packages cannot be changed; cancelled, refunded or transferred once your package is purchased. This policy is what allows you to save so much on your vacation."

That's what it says in the customer service area of their site.

To me, "in most cases" implies that in some cases, packages can be changed.

American Airlines has two flights departing from LAX on the same day, for the same price, one at 6am, and the other at 11:10pm. I want to get off the 6am flight, and get on the 11:10pm flight.

Priceline says it's not possible.

American Airlines says it's not possible because the tickets are from Priceline, who says it's not possible.

Ironically, if I would have gotten the damned tickets from American Airlines in the first place, instead of from Priceline, I would have paid about $26 less for the same fucking tickets.

So, I officially do not endorse the use of Priceline, as they are inflexible pricks.

I gave them a plausible and understandable reason for the flight time change.

The people at Priceline don't care that theoretically my entire family will be in L.A. on that Sunday, following a theoretical cousin's wedding on Saturday, theoretically gathering together for the first time in over 8 years, and wanting to get together for a theoretically impromptu reunion that doesn't involve a ceremony or a reception afterward.

They're all like, "Too bad, loser. You bought the tickets, so live with it."

Me, I'd be all like, "Oh, my gosh! Everyone together for the first time in over 8 years for the celebration of a loved one's nuptials? Since the rules can be tweaked every once in a while, let's do it this time so that a happy gathering can happen just this one for this woman's family. How sad if they were all there except for her."

Sure, I really want to stay the extra few hours so that I am getting the most bang for my buck -- who takes a 3-day trip out of town to only really be gone two days, and leave before the crack of dawn on the third day? I mean, really? I'd have to be at the airport at like 3am on Sunday morning, for fuck's sake. That's CRAZY.

I really can't imagine that there are zillions of people clamoring to get back into Chicago at 5am on Monday morning. after all. Otherwise, not the same price for tickets and whatnot.

I sent them a nastygram, and am publicly condemning them for now.

dana made me do it.

SAVE THE CHEERLEADER - SAVE THE WORLD!

and he hasn't called since...

You know, I talked to the Dirty Boy at length a while ago.

Wherein he learned that other than a brief trip to Mexico as a toddler, I have never left the States.

And that I do not have a passport.

He travels around the world. A lot.

He works and saves money, travels a bunch, then works to make more money and travel again.

He isn't worried about security or responsibility.

I wish I was so brave.

I could probably be making more money where I work just as a stylist -- all the clients I have shuffled over to the new stylists I could have instead cultivated as clientele for myself, and probably have the same benefits and none of the responsibility. But, I'm afraid to lose the instant security that guaranteed salary and benefits offer. I also like making the schedule, and don't want someone else dictating to me when I can and can't take time off or do things I want to do.

Oh, and the swag. I love free things, and I wouldn't necessarily end up with all the loot I get if I weren't in charge. Is it worth the price of freedom? Probably not. But I'll never have to purchase shampoo again.

Maybe I should just take some time off that I want to take off, and go somewhere that isn't here.

cryptofun

I like doing crytogram puzzles. In fact, cryptograms are the new kakuro in my household.

However, I do not like the cryptofun that you have to enter all over der interweb to combat potential spammers. I find it irritating.

Matty had it on his site, and my argument against it is that utilizing it is prosiac and unimaginative, because everyone else already has it.

I think that anyone I would describe as an 'elitist, sassy, culturally-enriched, demi-hausfrau,' would shun the commonality of the "type the following gibberish into the box below, exactly as you read it" game that everyone seems to employ on their sites.

Especially when he moderates the comments already.

Cryptofun when I'm verifying an online concert ticket purchase? Yes, I'm not some maniacal bot fucking with commerce.

Cryptofun when I'm mocking someone's literary decisions? No thank you.

days of yore

Today, the dirty boy and I spoke on the phone at length, and I realized a lot of somethings about myself.

One of which being that I'm so very, very boring now.

I didn't use to be like this.

Once upon a time, I drank, I smoked, I inhaled, I stayed up for days on end, I was promiscuous, I was careless and free-wheeling, I had nothing, I wanted nothing, I was silly, I was pierced, I was dangerous, and I was fun.

I'm the one that wore the sheer black body suit with nothing underneath the top but a star and a moon made out duct tape, pretending to be pasties.

I'm the one that work the fishnet body stocking to a party with only tiny black panties and a black bra underneath.

I'm the one that wore the black corset, black vinyl hotpants, fishnets and black vinyl 5" platform stiletto boots that lace up to the knee to an anti-Valentine's Day fetish ball. Topped off with yards of black tulle and an elaborate black-veiled headpiece, I made a smashing evil anti-bride.

I'm the one that was the "sex kitten" at Alexander the Great's Halloween party, way back when.

I used to wear a motorcycle jacket that belonged to Bad Betty.

I loved the Sextacy Ball. Lords of Acid, Thrill Kill Kult, God Lives Underwater, Jack-Off Jill? Awesome.

I was a dirty, dirty girl.

A lot.

And now a typical evening includes pajamas, television, a microwaveable dinner, and sudoku or a crossword puzzle.

Do I still have a drag fetish? Of course. Boys dressed up like slutty girls are the yummiest.

My feelings on spanking? When you've had enough to drink, are having an obscenely good time and someone smacks you on the ass, it doesn't necessarily seem like such a bad idea.

Yes, I still have the boots, the hotpants, the fishnets and the corset.

The fishnet body stocking and motorcycle jacket? I gave those to an old roommate. Somehow they looked appropriate on him.

I think the naughty might still be in here somewhere, I'm just not sure how deep you'd have to dig to find it.

quel fromage!

C'est la vie. C'est la vache. C'est la guerre.

more stargate fun

Right before I went to Stargate Con, I stopped at a place in my neighborhood to get my nails filled, because sweetie, celebs don't need to notice outright that I wear acrylic nails, and that much space between enhancement and cuticle is a dead giveaway.

So, after I get outta Magic Nail, and am walking back to my car, some old dude stops me and asks what my t-shirt says.

Now, dig this: I'm wearing my hair up in a touseled blonde faux-hawk, I've got girly accessories and blingy whatnot, pink mirror shades, and I'm wearing low-rise cropped Levi's and a concert tee. Total rockstar.

"It says, 'hooray for boobies!"

He nods.

"Most people parse it as either Barbies or babies, but it's just an old concert tee."

More nodding. "Do you know the pink building?"

I point eastward towards the very visible pink building. "Yes, the one right there."

Nods and smiles. "I've lived there for quite a while. This is a great neighborhood."

"Yes, I like it, too. That's why I live in it."

"I'm a professor at the Art Institute."

"Um, that's nice, but there's my car and I am running late."

"Oh, okay. Have a nice day," he says, waving vaguely in my direction. "It was a pleasure to meet you."

"Yeah, thanks." Run away run away.

*****

Only much later did I realize that Posey had peed in the laundry basket, and had mildly odorized the seat of said Levi's. No one else noticed, but I was painfully aware that my ass smelled like cat piss all night.

And, perhaps unrelatedly, it was decided among a broad spectrum of people that I was the prettiest chick at the convention, which is pretty sad for a gathering that size. I'm used to being cute, and sometimes the cutest, but prettier than all other females present? That's unnatural.

Stargate seems to primarily attract older, overweight women with little to no fashion sense, and often a mullet of some sort. And young, plain teen girls with a encyclopedic knowledge of every freaking thing that has ever had anything to do with the show, ancillary things like books about the show, and even fiction novels based on the show.

Both subsets of womanhood seem to be somewhat rabid, as well.

Believe me, I like the show, but not enough to drop a coupla grand to visit Vancouver for the Con there, and pony up $200 extra to take a tour bus through sets and other places that they've filmed the show.

I got stuck looking at a photo album that belonged to one older woman who was a fine candidate to represent her kind, and I recognized only the Camelot sets, photo-documented in explicitly detailed shots, bit by bit, every cobble stone and wooden joist accounted for.

I wisely tuned out the narrative that went along with the pictures, just nodding regularly and saying, "Uh-huh" or "Mm-hmm" a lot.

blame the diamond council.

What are you doing the rest of your life?
North and South and East and West of your life
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me

All the seasons and the times of your days
All the nickels and the dimes of your days
Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days
All begin and end with me

I want to see your face in every kind of light
In the fields of dawn and the forests of the night
And when you stand before the candles on a cake
Oh, let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes
In the world of love that you keep in your eyes
I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes
It may take a kiss or two

Through all of my life
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall of my life
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you

Dusty Springfield --
"What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?"

(Music by Michel Legrand, lyrics by Alan & Marilyn Bergman)

*****

This would be that to which I am currently rocking-ish.

It suits my mood and my current state of affairs.

It's a more refined and eloquent version of running away to join the circus.

And it's in someone else's words.