music update:

Theory Anesthetic.

Mandy not only heads up the group, but she's also my client, so you know her hair rocks.

Today, she gave me a copy of the new cd, but unfortunately all cd-playing devices in my household recognize it only as a blank disc.

At least you and I can listen to them here.

My fave is Church of Nothing.

thank the lord for small miracles...

It's about damned time, for criminy's sake!

"NOW AVAILABLE! Neuticles UltraPLUS with Epididymis

"Introducing a new level of testicular implantation for previously neutered, monorchid or cryptorchid pets.
"Neuticles UltraPLUS^® with ScarRetard features not only the testes but the Cauda Epididymis, Ductus Deferens, Pampiniform Plexus and Caput Epididymis, which restores the pet to anatomical preciseness (my emphasis). Two suture tabs located at the end of the Pampinform Plexus, and midway on the testes, anchor the implant to assure optimum realism.

"Eight sizes and custom sizing for any pet now available.

"Click Here for details and pricing."

And yes, I was actually aware of what the epididymus was prior to this: when irritated by moronic men, I used to graciously offer to show them their epididymii if they didn't stop bothering me.

Then I was generally forced to explain exactly what the epididymus was and where it was located, often in great, achingly explicit detail.

Which usually left me devoid of unwanted male companionship.

(I personally find it far more effective than threatening to tear off someone's limb and beat that someone to death with it.)

some things I believe...

1. Vera Bradley bags are hideously ugly.
   
   They look like those particular sort of carryalls in which old biddy spinsters cart their knitting around.
   
   
2. Evan Farmer is hot.
   
   
3. So is Colin Ferguson.
   
   
4. Sunbelle raspberries from Chile taste a lot better than Driscoll's from Mexico.
   
   
5. These are the fucking coolest flip-flops ever made. (They have the grommets on the inside like the shoes do, and they even have the ALL*STAR tag on the back heel. Righteous!)
   
   
6. My Black & Decker digital convection toaster oven is the shiz-nit.
   
   I love baking now that doing it it doesn't heat the entire apartment up to like 100-degrees Fahrenheit.
   
   
7. Anjou pears are infinitely superior to bartlett pears when making brie and pear toast. Bosc will also do in a pinch.
   
   
8. My job?
   
   Same ol' pettiness, whining and bitchiness, different salon.
   
   And yet, I still like it.
   
   
9. I got called Miss Martha today because I think the customer service person on the telephone couldn't pronounce my mom's not-particularly-difficult-to-pronounce Czech last name.
   
   I guess if you ax folx quessions fo' a livin', z pernounced as zh migh juss be a l'il tuff.
   
   
10. It's worth visiting two different nail places to get a super fantastic pedicure and an equally awesome set of nails done, if you can't get both at the same place.
    

fuzzy wuzzy scaley cute

Three thoughts:

1. It's amazing which side you root for, depending on what sort of documentary you're watching.

If it's one sort, you're rooting for the cute little Thompson's gazelles to escape the toothy maws of vicious predators.

And if it's another, you're desperately hoping that the inexperienced cheetah mother can catch thoses same wily gazelles, so that she can feed her seven hungry little fluff balls of kitteny cuteness.

You know, despite knowing that all seven could never successfully make it to adulthood.

But they're so damned cute.

2. Female green anacondas can shave as many as 100 days off of their pregnancy by basking in the sun.

If only that worked for everyone.

Sure, skin cancer would be at an all-time high, but maternity wardrobes would be cut in half.

3. And... I love love love Adrian, the Quiznos coyote.

In case you aren't aware, Tuesday, a coyote walked into a downtown Loop Quiznos through the propped-open front door, wandered around inside for a minute, then took a 40 minute siesta inside the open drink cooler, before being captured and hauled away by animal control.

Then Wednesday, after a night in the pokey, and with a clean bill of health, Adrian was released back into the wild.

If you can really call a wooded area in Barrington, Illinois, near a horse barn and two tennis court 'the wild.'

In depth info here:

http://cbs2.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_094024554.html

http://www.abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=local&id=5179979

http://www.abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=local&id=5184045

damned censors.

Clearblue has changed the voice-over on the commercial to now say the following:

"Clearblue Digital Pregnancy Test, the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever... *clears throat*...you know."

I am sorely disappointed.

Indeed.

the return of chemo sorbie gal. now, if only jesus man was to be found...

So, I said to C., "Hey, you want to cut my hair. Right? Right?"

And she said she would.

Then, I said to C., "I need like an inch cut off. Here, (holds up bangs) see the difference in length between there and the top? That's like how much I want off all over. And don't worry, it's almost impossible to make it too short. Oh, and I like my ears cut out. And make sure the neckline isn't all wispy because I hate that."

She took it all under advisement, and proceeded to give me the haircut I asked for, except it was still too long in back.

So she cut more back there.

And then she worked around the sides.

And then the top.

And the front.

And then around the crown some more.

Two thoughts on the haircut:

1. Wow, I didn't know my cowlick could stick out like that. I guess it's good that I have some really sticky-ass hair goo to hold it down.
2. I am now awaiting the inevitable comparisons to Annie Lennox in that one video -- not only because it's flaming red-orange, but mostly because it's almost that short.
   

my new job

...is going to take some time to settle in to position.

There hasn't been any effective leadership in the salon for over 6 months, so everything's gone to hell in a handbasket.

Paperwork hasn't been done properly since God only know's when, the place is filthy, and whoever's been doing the ordering is a nutjob.

We've got like 6 bottles of color remover (for wiping off excess color from the skin, post-coloring), two of which just came in yesterday, but we have less than half a bottle of cleaner, and got none in the order, because none were ordered.

I've been purging paperwork stuff from like 2001 - 2005, that easily could have been chucked in like 2002 - 2006.

And I've been going through overstocked products and have winnowed most of them down to the essentials.

I have so incredibly much more to do, though.

Months worth of more.

But that is another thing for another day.

On the cutting front, since I stopped working for Those Bastards (the new official name for the place I used to work before now), and started at Workplacery, I have had 8 clients come in to get their hair done -- 5 of them yesterday alone, and a few more on the books in the near future. I have also done a lot of other people, several of which seem inclined to return to me in the future.

And today I discovered that the produce selection at the Jewel a block away from Workplacery is a hell of a lot better than at the one by my house.

Plus, there may be no Starbucks or Caribou Coffee nearby, but I've got Avanti across the street, and Julius Meinl down the block. Both of which offer delicious beverages and reasonably-priced foodstuffs. Especially J.M.

maximum random-ocity.

01. I got the job for real -- Salon Team Leader, here we go! (I start Tuesday.)

02. I just found a way to get some cheaper prescriptive drugs now that I'm not heavily benefited through my old job. For like $40/3 months for two medications. Woot.

03. New email that made me laugh:

"Dear Amazon.com Customer,

"Based on your previous purchases in Women's Apparel, we thought you might be interested in slipping on a new pair of ballet flats. Shop over 350 styles from 80 top brands,including Charles David, Steve Madden, BCBGirls, Report, and more at Amazon.com."

Ironically, the only piece of apparel I have ever purchased from Amazon.com was a unisex pair of flannel black watch plaid pajama bottoms.

How that makes me an apparent ballet flat wearer, I'm not sure.

I in fact, I am the opposite of a ballet flat wearer -- I'm so damned short that most of my shoes have like a 2" heel on them, and I like a good cushy insole.

04. The chick they're trying to replace me with at the old job spent 40 minutes on the phone with me today, getting my perspective on about everyone and everything at the place.

And since I don't work there anymore, I was candid and frank.

And a little gossipy.

Who knows now if she'll take it -- she works at a different store as a stylist and seems very happy there, but they're pressuring her to take this position. I told her if worse comes to worse, she can always step down and go back to her old salon.

And I did warn her that I'll be actively recruiting most of the stylists over to my new job. Which she understands.

05. There are so many things wrong about the CD, "Sunday School Jamz!" that I just can't put my finger on all of them.

06. Best random spam I've received in a while:

"If you are ready to sell your soul to the Devil for just one erection, relax and get Viagra Pro for better results.

"Viagra Pro will give you more horse powers than there is in a good Porsche."

07. New favorite advertising campaign:

Clearblue Digital Pregnancy Test, "the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on."

08. I'm finding it extremely frustrating to try and track down all of the clients I didn't get numbers for before I left the Old Job. Especially when I only know a last name, and there's like 96 of them in the city (Wife-client has different last name than Husband-bill payer), or they're teenagers, and I don't know their parent's names.

09. I'm now a zombie girl. I modeled in exchange for t-shirts, and now am up on my friend Shawn's site.

10. Oh, and did I forget to mention that my new dress code allows me to wear pretty much whatever I want to work, as long as it isn't whorish or denim?

And that my new boss lady said I can wear skull-prints and Bettie Page t-shirts at will?

And that she mentioned that there's already a girl that works there that is all goth-ish 'n stuff, so she thinks that the skulls will fit right on in?

hallelujah

Well, the parties settled this morning, so I got sprung from jury duty, and then I had the phone interview afterwards with the person who decides whether or not I would be right for the job.

Acccord to her, if my references fly, I'm in.

And considering that my references already work for her, and they tried to recruit me a few weeks ago, I would imagine that they're going to have nice things to say. And then I'll have a job.

Yayme.

this week

Okay, so I quit my job on Friday without an exit strategy.

I've never left anything without an exit strategy -- at a concert, I've already got an escape route planned out -- and I am all discombobulated now.

Tuesday, I went in to collect the remainder of my things, and I was told that the person who had complained about me so many times had actually said to the acting store manager that, "I never intended to get anyone fired or make them quit their job."

Too little, too late, sister.

Let's see. If every single time someone says something you don't like, and you run to store management and complain about it enough, it will probably eventually have some sort of negative consequences for the person who has been the source of your complaint. I mean, honestly, what is the intent when you register a complaint?

Wednesday, I had an excellent interview with a company for a salon leadership position, and I am expecting to hear from the district manager on Friday, hopefully with the intent to start me on Monday or Tuesday. Because I rock.

And then today, I had my very first jury duty experience. Where I was, of course, immediately picked to be on the jury of a civil trial that will probably drag out until Wednesday or Thursday of next week.

Something happened to someone, and now that person is suing someone else because of the thing that happened.

Truthfully, I could give a shit either way when it comes to the case, which I cannot discuss with y'all. I'm fully intending to make a sincere attempt to stay awake the whole time, but will likely be mostly bitter and resentful because I am self-involved, and will be preoccupied by my unemployment and deplorable financial status, and how my jury duty is preventing me from the potential to start a new job.

Jeez, if I have 39 days of jury duty, I might actually be able to swing rent!

And I'm also forced to pay out of pocket for medical insurance, at least for the time being, because I need medical coverage. *sigh*

But for now, I will be chilling at the Daley Center from 9-5pm weekdays. Word.

the letter i just sent out to my clients:

An Important Message:

Hi,

Five hours ago, I got the news that I was being demoted from manager to stylist (with a 43% paycut) and sent to the Clybourn STORE/SALON for "unprofessional behavior, disruptive/inappropriate conduct, and for the use of profanity."
(Amongst my transgressions, I said, "If you didn't know me, and I shopped here, you'd totally think I was a bitch," while on the sales floor, to a manager, and in front of a sales associate. Yes, I am suitably ashamed.)

So, I gave them my resignation.

As of yet, I do not have a salon nailed down. It's weird being unemployed -- I've never left one job without having another one lined up.

I do have job prospects, so I will be gainfully employed somewhere wonderful by the time you need your hair done again.

Hope to see you soon,

pixie

new music

I heartily suggest that y'all go visit http://www.myspace.com/christypaige, because I know stuff that you don't*, and I definitely know that she's fantastic.

I saw/heard her busking on the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica while I was on vacation, and she rocked my world.

And if you're not a total pussy, she'll blow your socks off.

----------
*I told the GM that she was having a boy, and even after an ultrasound diagnosis to the contrary, I still insisted it was a boy.

4 ultrasounds later, they painted the nursery pink, decorated it with girly flowers and butterflies, and filled the closet with frilly pastel frippery.

They only registered for pink flowery girly stuff, and I believe they got everything on their registry.

Bibs, bottles, nuks, blankets, etc.

All super-duper girly.

And, their newborn son's name is Jack.

vacation, day one...

1. Slept until early afternoon.
   
2. Played with Posey for a while.
   
3. Got up.
4. Dressed.
5. Abluted slightly.
6. Ate sunflower seeds.
7. Watched Orange County.
8. Thought about going to the movies.
   
9. Watched Scrubs.
10. Took out the garbage.
11. Chased Cricket back into the apartment, and then petted her against her will.
    
12. Drank a gingerale with a twist of lime.
13. Watched The Stuart Davis Show, eps 6, 1 & 2, on You Tube.
14. Drank another gingerale.
15. Read email.
16. Watched eps 3, 4 & 5.
17. Purchased and downloaded 6 songs by Junkie XL from iTunes.
18. Nachos for dinner.
19. Random television viewing.
20. Adult Swim viewing.
21. More sunflower seeds.
22. More gingerale.
23. JunkBBS check-in.
24. Bedtime.

pennies from heaven

I am one of those people that always picks up change from the ground. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, whatever. Any free money is good money to me, and it all spends the same.

One of my regular statements is, "Hey, free (coin)... mine!"

The other day, when I got the mail, I just threw it all in my bag.

Today, before work, I noticed all the envelopes in my bag and decided to read the mail.

A bill, an advertisement, and something that looked like a check.

Upon opening the envelope, I found a letter inside from Stoll Stoll Berne Lokting & Shlachter, informing me that the Class action lawsuit "Ruslan Razilov, et al. v. Nationwide, et al." had gone to settlement, and that my pro rata share of the settlement, less attorney fees, expenses, and the costs of claims administration, was attached to the letter in the form of a check made out to me.

A check for $207.24, mind you.

I get crap in the mail every once in a while, informing me that if I don't want to be part of some class action suit or another, I need to let them know, otherwise just do nothing and reap potential benefits later.

Until now, I've only gotten a coupon for free contact lens solution, a $15 voucher for Sears, and a Jabra earpiece for my cell phone.

Finally, my inaction really pays for itself.

Or at least pays for my NCA membership renewal, and a doctor's bill for blood work to definitively determine that I do not have a blood disorder or a disease, but instead am not only clumsy, but bruise very easily and very often. (It's not diabetes, anemia, or anything like that -- it's just that I'm just a delicate flower. Featuring easily-crushed petals and stems and leaves and other floral-y bits.)

And then after work today, I got a letter in the mail from America's Expo for Skin Care & Spa Chicago, asking me to fill out a brief survey and then return it to them in the provided, postage-paid enveloped.

A letter with a dollar bill tacked to the bottom of the letter, and a post-script stating, "The attached, while not intended as compensation for your time, is a small token of our appreciation for your prompt participation."

(Dude, that totally kicks the free nickel that came in the Unicef fundraising missive a couple of weeks ago's ass. Because, you know, maybe if Unicef didn't send out thousands of nickels to strangers, and instead used said nickels to pay for medicine and supplies for the displaced, disenfranchised, and the damned, they wouldn't need to ask me for my money.)

and then...

Wham!

Just like that, and thanks to a case of shingles, I'm back on the invite list.

damn the seventh wheel.

I did have plans for NYE.

Exciting, fun, looked-forward-to plans that were made last NYE.

But the logistics of the evening changed, and my dumb ass got bumped from the festivities.

Now I have no plans for NYE.

Anyone want to go see a movie or something?

merry christmas, bitches.

Love,
Cricket (et. al.)

that with which i have been given during this season of good will towards men and similar ilk....

1. a $25 gift card to Caribou Coffee, from T.B., a client.
2. a $10 gift card to Starbucks, from R.N., a client.
3. a card + cash, from J.U., a client.
4. cash, from S.S., a client.
5. a subscription to Games Magazine, from Tifling.
6. a tin of butter cookies, from my landlord.
   
7. a hardcover copy of Diablo Cody's Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper, from Matty.
8. a slice of lemon-poppyseed bread + a $20 gift card to Caribou Coffee, from B.F., a client.
9. a card + cash, from G.J., a client.
10. a membership to Western Colorado Congress, from my cousin in Colorado.
11. delicious Ouray-made truffles, from my cousin in Colorado and her family.
12. lots of Burt's Bees hand and foot lovin' gear, again courtesy of the Colorado cousin 'n family.
    
13. a $10 gift card to Caribou Coffee in a cute little stocking, from S., my ASM.
14. a small gift bag of Hershey candies, from H., my GM.
15. a card + cash, from Pappy.
16. a Black & Decker Scumbuster, from the 'rents.
17. a bag of meltaway mint, from Santa.
18. a tin of chocolate hazelnut pirouettes, from Santa.
19. Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest on DVD, from Short-Round.
20. Sarah McLachlan's Wintersong CD, from Princess Stinkerbell.
21. a copy of Robert Sabuda's pop-up book, Encylopedia Prehistorica Dinosaurs, from Daddy 'n Short-Round.
22. a pretty bead necklace made in Ouray, from Mom.
23. a Tinker Bell magnet set, from Princess Stinkerbell.
24. a card + cash, from Mom.
25. Graffiti Zoo Pink Flamingos (candy), from Mom & Short-Round.
    
26. the first season of 21 Jump Street on DVD, from Mom.
27. a cute pink jewelry bag with pink bead accents, from my cousins in California.
    

hopefully more to follow...

(I have also received over 50% return of holiday cards, which is impressive to me.)

and now i can't give the shit away...

Last week, I decided to take responsibility at work for making sure that three boxes of stuff was donated to a women's shelter.

None of the damned shelters will get back to me, so the boxes are still sitting in the stock room.

Today after work, I stopped in at Starbucks to drop off Toys for Tots.

Only to discover that they no longer collect for the charity.

Then, on the way into the grocery store, I decided to put a couple of bucks into the Salvation Army bucket when I left the store.

And as I was exiting the store, cash in hand, I realized that no annoying bells were being rung, and no bright red bucket was to be seen.

what i want to know is...

Which bitch outed me to the local charities?

I happily donated to Felines, Inc. because that's where I got my beloved little Posey-kins, but now I've got the Night Ministry, PAWS Chicago (Pets Are Worth Saving), The Chicago Fund on Aging & Disability/Meals on Wheels Chicago, and Father Scott Donahue from Mercy Home for Boys & Girls all beseeching, begging, or otherwise hitting me up for charitable donations to help the kitties/puppies/homeless/aged/infirmed/abandoned/abused in my area.

I can ignore large-scale national organizations like Easter Seals and Amnesty International with no problem, but when I've got a heartbreaking letter from the president of a local charity telling me that his shelter is overflowing with abused and abandoned children, it's got a waiting list a mile long, and that my $35 could "make a real difference in a hurting child's life," I feel like a total fuck-o for not whipping out my checkbook.

And what about the poor, abandoned, homeless baby animals? My $27 could buy antibiotics for six kittens or puppies with respiratory infections, or my $103 could provide critical medical care for a sick homeless pet.

First, jury duty summons, now daily guilt-trips.

Aiugh.

As an aside, thank you Matty for the book-love. Reading about someone else's strange voyage makes me feel a little less weird about mine.