crabs!

...and i'm even a cancer

07.25.05

I get periodic emails from the Chicago Tourism Board. I signed up at some point a few years ago before I moved here, and now it's my source for what's happening in this fair city.

Like, I know which weekend to expect cheap-ass car alarms going off in my neighborhood for two days straight: The Chicago Airshow, August 20 & 21. Jets will be zooming along the lake past my place of work, up past my apartment, turn around, zoom back down the lake again past my apartment, again past my place of work, turn around and repeat ad nauseum.

I will be mumbling a blue streak under my breath for two whole days, because saying the sort of things I will be thinking isn't considered ladylike, or professional. I'm sure I will at some point come up with a colorful description of a place where they can all collectively (or sequentially, I'm not that picky) stick their sonic booms, and I'm imagining that the sun doesn't shine there, either.

So, imagine my amusement at getting an email featuring "CRABS!" as one of it's offered attractions.


Apparently Shedd Aquarium is celebrating its 75th anniversary this year, and is encouraging everyone, via their website, to:

"Join in the celebration and rub claws with the residents of a new, one of a kind exhibit, CRABS!

"CRABS! Nobody builds 'em better than Mother Nature.

"Combine the mobility of a tank, the adaptability of a Swiss Army knife, and the heartiness of a hard hat. What do you get? That contraption of a crustacean, the crab. These new aquarium residents come by sea, by land, by lake, and by stream to make their home in a new special exhibit here at Shedd.

"The crab’s planet-wide proliferation comes from its perfect pattern. Your mind will boggle by seeing how they are like super cool “robots.” CRABS! is one of the largest collections of its kind in the U.S. With 19 body segments, eyestalks like periscopes, a removable and renewable carapace, and the ability to regenerate lost legs, you won't want to miss learning about these unique creatures before they are scheduled to leave on January 8, 2006."

I mean, that's really not what pops into my mind when I see an exclamatory title featuring the name of a species of crustaceans that is also a slang term for certain genital cooties. I was half expecting spam about some new treatment that is infinitely cheaper when purchased from an overseas or Canadian pharmacy, without a prescription or anything.

I might have to go check this bitch out. It had better be more exciting than the shark exhibit they have, because that thing was overhyped and extremely weak, even if it did have cool coffee mugs for sale in the gift shop.

Ooh, maybe I could get a "CRABS!" coffee mug or something.

And speaking of crustaceans, I just really enjoy watching "Deadliest Catch," a show on the Discovery Channel about crab fishermen in Alaska. They're fucking nuts, and all of you King Crab eaters should be a hell of a lot more appreciative of what you're eating, after what I've seen these men do to sate your palates.

Me, I'm allergic to the damned things, and after seeing them dead on the beaches of coastal Oregon, and smelling the stench of rotting crab flesh, I really don't have any interest in their consumption.

Because, 1) I like breathing, and anaphylactic shock isn't all it's cracked up to be, funwise, 2) ew, negative mental association as mentioned above, 3) I don't eat sea bugs, because they're still bugs, even if they're from the bottom of the ocean, and 4) I don't want to eat anything you either boil alive, or tear the shell off, dip in an egg wash and then dredge through spiced flour, it's tiny soft claws clenching at the air and little legs flailing about, before being tossed into a hot frying pan. That's just nasty.