the spotless mind

...eternal sunshine unnecessary

07.28.05

When I was home for Christmas, my sister assured me that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a really really good movie. In fact, it was her favorite.

And I didn't want to watch it, because I can't stand Jim Carrey.

I really, really, really despise Jim Carrey. I just do. No rational explanation, except perhaps Batman Forever as an extreme example. Or Dumb & Dumber. Or The Mask.

Maybe I just don't care for his choice of film or acting style. Who knows for sure? I don't hate him because I don't know him, and he has never done anything personal to me to inspire hatred. He just inspires near-pathological dislike.

And I found myself watching it one Sunday afternoon, nothing better to do, not really minding Jim Carrey all that much. Maybe it's that when he's acting human that he isn't so bad.

The idea is that someone so important in your life is so hurtful that you can't live with any instance of their existence in your life. So, you cut this person out, getting rid of everything that reminds you of that person, having every moment of the person's involvement in your life physically erased from your memory, and everyone in your life notified of your decision, asked to never mention the person again.

So completely that you could meet that person again with zero recognition of the former importance that this person occupied in your life.

And it occurred to me that I've never had a person in my life that was that important to me. Impotant enough to be able to cause me enough pain and heartache that the slightest memory would be excruciating enough to want me to erase them all? Not a one.

I'm sure I've had my heart broken. Buy I'm also sure that it only stayed that way for a little while, if it was even more than just a little cracked at all in the first place.

I've probably broken at least one heart. And I've probably dented, dinged, scratched, pummeled, and/or maligned more hearts than I can possibly imagine. I don't know for sure.

When people don't make enough of an impression on you to matter all that much in the greater scheme of things, it's hard to imagine that you yourself made that much of an impression upon them, either. It's easy for me to completely forget people. I apparently do it all the time.

And to be honest, I'm sure I've intentionally and unintentionally self-erased a great deal through the act of mere forgetfulness, but since I've forgotten, I really can't say for sure.

I've probably modified a few more than that, tweaking the icky bits. But since I remember them however I remember them, I also really can't say for sure.

I've wanted to forget specific instances, sure, but never an entire set.

It really was a very good movie, but I certainly can't relate on the same level that a lot of people do. I can be empathetic to their plight, but I haven't myself experienced it. I could say that I wish I had, because it might make me a better person somehow, but I can't really.

Maybe I don't have much of a heart at all to be broken in the first, second, or any place.

Or maybe it's made of cast-iron, or a similar substance.

I can say for sure that it's definitely bound to be more than a little rusty.